fishtail

How To Park For Free

2011-11-09T08:05:00.002+08:00

While waiting to board a bus, we spotted a traffic cop issuing parking summons on a whole row of cars like it was already Christmas. You know, I said, this is the best time to park your car there for free. Huh? How? Well, as soon as the cop leaves, you park your car behind one of those cars, and then you 'borrow' the summon from the other car and stick it on your windscreen prominently. When you come back, simply return the summon to its original recipient.

What happens if the other car has left when you come back? Well, simply place the summon on the next car and spread the goodies around ... like it is already Christmas.

Chance for Pakatan to Win Big!

2011-10-31T21:13:00.004+08:00

In the run-up to an impending GE13, Team Blue has just opened up for Pakatan to score big with their stubborn stand on the teaching of Science and Maths in English (PPSMI). With literally thousands of concerned parents pleading for the government to offer options to school to teach either in BM or English (read here), the No 2 man has just summarily closed the case with a curt "It's a policy decision; we should respect that."

If Pakatan now includes PPSMI in their election manifesto and promises to reverse last week's 'policy' statement, they are almost sure of winning all the urban States (Selangor, Perak, Penang, Negri Sembilan, even Sarawak) and huge portions of Johor. Coupled with the DUMC debacle, Sarawak can also be won. Kelantan is secure in PAS's hands.

MCA has not uttered a whimper against last week's 'policy' statement, and stands to be completely wiped out in Selangor and Perak. Any help from the Youth wing of Team Blue will come to nought, thanks to the brainless 'kampung buah dada' remark for which until now the originator has not shown any remorse.

Elections in April, Jibby?

Chess Player and Chest Player

2011-10-27T03:08:00.003+08:00

The plot was evil: they found out that the son of Penang Chief Minister had moved from one school to another, so they spread the rumour that the reason was that he groped his female classmate and got kicked out. For the 'victim', they picked a good looking girl and even placed her pic on the Net. As soon as the plot went viral, the anti-DAP fellows pounced in like hungry lions on a limping gazelle. For 2 days, it looked like they had scored a political kill that would finish off the Penang CM.

Then their plot blew up in their faces when the IT experts traced the pic and found that she is an American college lass and has never studied in Penang. Now, all the plotters are in hiding, and quiet as mice. It was like trying to rob a bank with water pistols.

They couldn't tell the difference between a chess player and a chest player.

(Creative) Learning A New Foreign Language

2011-09-27T21:08:00.002+08:00

I encouraged my students to learn a new foreign language today. "It will always come in handy for you in future," I said. One girl then said she was taking free German lessons from the college. "Free? That's even better," I said. "We had our second class yesterday," she said. "Ah, have you learned how to count yet? Have you learned ein, zwei, drei yet?" I asked. She said yes, but she could only remember 'six'. "How is that?" I asked and her reply was, "Because it sounds like 'sex'." That's creative learning, no?

Our Own Mount Rushmore

2011-09-13T18:06:00.004+08:00

Most people are familiar with America's Mount Rushmore with the granite carvings of four imposing lifelike faces. The faces belonged to four past Presidents of the United States, and each of the four past Presidents must have done something extremely great for the American people in order to have their faces permanently etched on stone. George Washington, for instance, was the first President of the United States after defeating Great Britain in the American Revolutionary War, Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery, and so on. Four Presidents, each of exemplary achievements.

We too have four Presidents of exemplary achievements.

One of them, President of a political party, was Chief Minister for 18 years of an island State but was dumped in a General Elections and his party almost totally wiped out after being untouchable for almost 39 years.

Another former President (of an Indian political party) was soundly defeated by his opponent, a medical doctor, in a constituency where he used to be 'king' for umpteen years.

Yet another was defeated when he was President of his party originally founded by two brothers in a small tin mining town 50 years ago.

The fourth President has not been defeated as an MP but now heads a Chinese party that is so unpopular that it is on the brink of becoming irrelevant.

So we too have four Presidents, and perhaps we could carve their faces on one of our limestone hills. No wait! We have yet another President, and this man - the Presidents of presidents - has singlehandedly caused the nation to be the laughing stock of the whole world.

On second thought, perhaps we should not waste a limestone hill on these men after all. Why don't we just engage a 3rd class chef to use their faces as target practice on a butter sculpture?

And call it Mount Laughmore.

The President

2011-09-09T16:33:00.004+08:00

He: You're in America now?
Me: Yeah.
He: Washington DC?
Me: Yes sir!
Hey, why don't you drop by for a cup of coffee?
Erm .. I like to, but don't you have to fight the Al-Qaeda and solve your country's problems?
Nah, there's always time for that. Come on by! I always make time for old friends.
Really?
Of course. What are friends for, man?
I mean really you have time for coffee with me?
Sure sure. Listen, tell me where you are right now and I'll send a car for you.
Ok, I'm at the Lincoln Memorial right now.
Great. You wait right there and one of my security officers will pop by within ten minutes.
How would I know it's him?
Alright, he'll ask you, "Excuse me, do you know where I can meet the President of the United States?" and you say to him, "Well, you can always go to Madame Tussauds."

The Wizard of Oz

2011-09-06T20:38:00.002+08:00

When a young girl Dorothy ran away from home with her puppy Toto and found herself lost in a strange land, she needed to look for the mysterious Wizard of Oz to help her get home. On the way to look for the Wizard, she met Scarecrow who lamented that he didn't have a brain, Tin Man who was sad because he believed he didn't have a heart, and Lion who was miserable because he believed he didn't have courage. So Dorothy's three friends also needed to find the Wizard to grant them what they wished.

When they finally met the Wizard, he appeared to them in a puff of fire and smoke, and an intimidating head. In a booming voice, the Wizard said he would grant all four of them their wishes provided they could bring back to him the Wicked Witch's broomstick. So the four of them set off to the Wicked Witch's castle, and after several rounds of planning, plotting and outfoxing the Witch, they eventually got her broomstick. In doing so, all three discovered they actually have what they thought they did not have: Scarecrow had several good ideas (brains), Tin Man was kind and sympathetic (heart), and Lion though terrified was ever ready to face dangers (courage).

They also discovered one more thing: that the Wizard of Oz was just an ordinary man operating through a contraption of gears and levers and a microphone connected to a loudspeaker. He was not the magic worker they all originally thought he was.

We too have our own Wizard of Oz. We wanted him to solve our problems: corruption, disunity among people of different races, disharmony, jealousy, high cost of living, plunging standards of education, and such. In the beginning, our Wizard of Oz appeared to us in a booming authoritative voice, fire and smoke, great speeches. We were impressed and encouraged.

But like the Wizard in Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion, our wizard also turned out to be a fraud. He could not solve anything. He was just talking behind a loudspeaker. His authority was artificial. And to our horror, he left the country on our National Day, becoming the first ever No 1 not to be his nation on its National Day. Where did our Wizard go?

He took a trip to Oz.

Nasi Kandar Line Clear

2011-08-24T21:28:00.003+08:00

There is a nasi kandar stall in Penang, opp the Cititel Hotel in Upper Penang Road, called ... not Nasi Kandar Kayu, not Nasi Kandar Muhideen, not Nasi Kandar Ahmeed, but Nasi Kandar Line Clear. It is located inside a small lane, and is easy to miss because it does not even face the main road. If not for a prominent green sign, it would hardly be located.

Yet, it is a 24 hour eatery and guess what? The line of people queueing up for food is hardly clear. I have walked past the place a hundred times and I have not seen the line clear. The boss must be laughing all the way to the bank.

Hundreds of Thousands of Teachers Sapped by SAPS

2011-08-14T23:10:00.003+08:00

By now, hundreds of thousands of government school teachers must be feeling stressed, frustrated and possibly demotivated over the latest requirement to have every student's name, MyKad details, and examination results into a web-based school assessment system (or SAPS for system analysis peperiksaan sekolah).

Every teacher has to enter his or her students' details but:

* there are not enough computers in schools so many teachers have to do so at home (assuming they have Internet connections at home). Sorry, there's no allowance for doing school work at home,
* the system gets slow, then very slow, then crashes when the number of teachers logged online simultaneously exceed a certain number,
* so many teachers stay up late at night or wake up early in the morning to log-in, to avoid cyber traffic (remember how we stayed awake late or woke up early to watch a football game?),
* very often, data that have been entered are lost after a crash (can you hear the gnashing of teeth and the tearing of hair?),
* the system is obviously designed to handle the number of simultaneous users and large volumes of transactions (remember when you tried your luck on one of those zero fare airline ticket promo?).

Why not read here for a first hand testimony?

The Education Ministry is favourite candidate for winning the Wooden Spoon for worst performing ministry (read: wasting tax payers' money, controversies...) these two years.

Wonder who the minister is.

A Very Stupid Man called Azizan

2011-07-13T21:48:00.002+08:00

I really hope this is not true, but there're reports that the MB of Kedah has issued a ban against all entertainment outlets in Kedah from conducting their business during the coming Ramadan month. This is an unprecedented move, because during past years, entertainment outlets were allowed to carry on as usual. Under this ban, even cinemas will not be allowed.

In recent weeks, and as recent as last ('yellow') Saturday, Team Blue has been taking such a beating from Team Pakatan over so many issues that Jibby is now scared to call an early election. Bersih and Team Pakatan have done very well in uniting hundreds of thousands of rakyat without the use of the religious factor. You can say Team Blue is reeling at the ropes from a barrage of Pakatan punches that Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali would be proud of. Now this Kedah ban would be exactly what Team Blue needs to hit back at Team Pakatan. To start with, Kedah being part of Team Pakatan, would be accused of not being sensitive to non-Muslims. Next, Team Rocket which is also a part of Team Pakatan, will be ridiculed for failing to support the interest of the non Muslims. Then of course, Team Blue will harp on the crack within the Pakatan coalition. The heaviest blow will be that non-Muslims will be apprehensive about voting for PAS in the next election.

Take a look at the man in the link. He looks more sleepy than dumb, doesn't he? But could someone please tell him not to be so zealous to the extent of being stupid? Please tell him to look at the forest and not just the tree. If Pakatan loses Kedah in the next election because of his stupid directives such as this, he won't have his MB job.

Vintage car and a guy in a vintage pair of shorts,

2011-07-12T20:59:00.003+08:00

Was the place a car showroom somewhere in Pavilion, Kuala Lumpur? No, that was not a car showroom and that was not KL either. It also looked too big to be a Hard Rock Cafe outlet. But it did look like a well appointed place, didn't it? Notice that guy's cut-out shorts? How could a guy with a pair of shorts like that (cut from an old fading pair of jeans) stand next to a well polished vintage car like that? He was not only standing next to the car, he was actually leaning on the vehicle. What was that place, anyway? The newest megamall in the city? By the way, how come we don't see any security guards in the pic? And how come the place looked so deserted? Was it a Sunday or a public holiday and that guy managed to sneak in for a quick snapshot?

That was part of the lobby of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. You don't see any security guard in the picture because the whole place is wired with CCTV. You don't see other passengers in the picture because the picture was taken at about 5-45 am in the morning (Caribbean time) when that guy in the picture could not sleep (jet lag still in effect), so he had gone for a warm water jacuzzi followed by an early morning cup of Seattle Coffee (coffee is served 24 hours).

I Went to a Gay Bar

2011-06-15T22:28:00.006+08:00

Told my students that I went to a gay bar in Amsterdam just 2 months ago and they went "HUH! What!? Eeeks!" All sat up (best way to wake up a class, hehe).

What do you think happens inside a gay bar, I asked, half naked men gyrating and rubbing their oily bodies together? I was at the door of the gay bar, I explained, but I didn't go in (didn't intend to). Just looked in, and it was a very usual bar-scene; men fully clothed having drinks. Perhaps their conversations were not so usual ("So, your place or mine?").

Now how do you recognize a gay bar from an ordinary one? A half naked man standing outside the door? They all have a 6-colored flag prominently displayed, which is the universally accepted LGBT Pride Flag, that symbolizes the pride of the lesbian-gay-bisexual-transsexual movement around the world. So the next time you see such a flag (see pic) outside a bar, don't go in unless you don't mind a half naked man rubbing his oily body against you.

The Kama Sutra Crab Position

2011-06-13T08:32:00.004+08:00

Staffroom conversations these days are dominated by OWC (Obedient Wives Club) stories. I've not met a single person yet who does not think the OWC is a ridiculous idea bordering on stupidity or sheer lunacy. It does, however, provide ample materials for conversations over coffee and cookies, and for once, you don't have to talk about the weather to start a conversation.

Typical lines:
"So let's start a Obedient Husbands Club",
"Hey man, heard your wife is going to Rawang quite often these days, lucky you!"
"I want to apply to be a part time instructor."
"Heard they're going through the Kama Sutra positions."

Talking of which, do you know the Crab position? You don't? Oops, then you can't apply to be an instructor for the OWC, can you?

Blogging vs Facebook

2011-06-03T13:51:00.003+08:00

Blogging:

- comments from readers are very much slower
- is not as interactive as Facebook
- you do not know what is happening outside your blog
- you do not know what your friends are going through

Facebook:

- comments can be seen in seconds, and then every few seconds and minutes thereafter. In 5 minutes, you could get 20-30 comments
- very interactive, eg you can see readers commenting on comments posted in real time
- you can literally get a minute by minute account of what is happening outside your page
- you can view what each of your friends goes through
- in one sitting, you can rediscover and reconnect with old friends from 20-30 years ago
- if nothing else, it can be used as a chatbox

It is not surprising that many people give up blogging for Facebook. Yet, there is one thing in blogging that you don't always find in Facebook, and that is serious writing.

Premium Toilets

2011-05-31T08:22:00.002+08:00

For 20 sen, it's okay. Sometimes for 30 sen, it's still okay. For 50 sen, it would have to be a minor emergency. For Rm1, it better be a SERIOUS emergency like an impending burst of mega proportions! For Rm2? I won't go in even if I'm dragged on all four limbs.

In Tokyo's Narita airport, they have toilets where, after you've done your business, you can press a button to squirt washing water on you (I mean on the part of yo that needs washing). Press another button and you get warm water. Press another button and you control the pressure of the water that washes you, ie. whether you like gentle washing, car wash type, or even tsunami type washing. There's even another button for you to toggle the direction of the water, so you can have front and back washing, side to side, or circular washing, or a combo of all.

Best is that it's all free, no charge.

PSD and Scholarships

2011-05-28T10:21:00.004+08:00

This guy has lost the plot. The complaints against the PSD in the award of scholarships are not on some students with good results not getting scholarships. The complaints are on the fact that scholarships for overseas studies (and for the popular courses) were awarded to students who obtained poorer results while those with better results were not. In his attempt to defend the PSD, that man says the government did not promise everybody a scholarship.

Again, he has missed the point completely. Pathetic.

A Collarless T, An Old Pair of Shorts, and Chestnuts

2011-05-11T22:42:00.003+08:00

I was dining alone at an outdoor restaurant wearing a collarless T and an old pair of shorts, when a man came by selling little bags of roasted chestnuts. He went round offering a chestnut to diners as samples. Subsequently, at least 4 tables of diners bought his chestnuts, some even without tasting the sample he passed around.

Now I love roasted chestnuts. Most weekends, I would buy a little packet to munch, so I was quite happy to see him coming around. But guess what? When he came to my table, he passed me by without giving me a second glance.

He probably thought that this old gizzard dining alone in a collarless T and an old pair of shorts could not afford to buy his chestnuts.

The Allure!

2011-05-09T23:17:00.004+08:00

Why would somebody fly for 24 hours just to get to a single destination? Then 12 days later, do the same in reverse? Don't forget there's also 9 hours of waiting in 3 airports in between, and that's just one way. Do you know how boring it can be sitting in a plane for 24 hours, and sitting in an airport just waiting for the next connecting flight?

Then what does he do when he reaches his destination? Why, he then gets into a metal box and float for 8 days!

Introducing ... The Allure of the Seas, the largest cruise ship in the world! It's going to be a Merry Cruise-Mas this December :)

What did she say? What did he say?

2011-05-03T03:56:00.003+08:00

To be sure, she didn't say, "Be careful, that's my $49-99 Bata shoes." Did he say, "Is that horse poo on your dress, darlin'?"

What do readers think?

Pick Pocket Took My Wallet in Paris

2011-04-26T05:36:00.002+08:00

If a survey is done, we would be surprised by the number of people we know who have lost their wallets or purses to pick pockets in Paris or Rome. These two cities are the infamous ground zero for pick pockets in Europe. I am on their long list of victims.

It happened at the Paris Metro (underground train station). For umpteen years, I have always placed my wallet in my right-back trousers pocket. As I inserted my ticket into the turn-style machine to enter, there were just two seconds when my right hand was not guarding my trousers pocket, and it was during these two seconds that the pick pocket lifted my wallet. Immediately, he passed the wallet to his accomplice behind him.

Fortunately, one of my tour mates (who was using the next machine) spotted the whole thing and grabbed his hand, shouting at the same time. At that moment, that crook threw my wallet on the ground, abandoning the project and I was lucky to get it back.

My tour mate told me she noticed those two guys following very close behind me and was suspicious. Sure enough, her suspicion paid off.

That was the first time something like that happened to me, and it could have been a very very sick day for me. Thankfully, an angel was watching over me.

Longchamp vs LV

2011-04-22T08:11:00.007+08:00

I would never have believed if I had not seen it for myself. You can call it the Longchamp vs LV (Louis Vuitton) bag war.

On the first day of our tour of Europe, a young lady was carrying a Longchamp bag (right pic) while another carried a LV (left pic). Both earned the immediate wrath of most of the other ladies in our group; the Longchamp owner was glared like she was a show-off while the LV person was secretly nicknamed "millionairess'.

We arrived in Paris on Day 4 of our tour (after Switzerland and Belgium) and were taken to the world famous Galaries Lafayette for shopping. That was when all hell broke loose. More than half the women in our group ended up buying either a Longchamp or a LV, with some buying even one of each. Each bag comes in a carrying bag with its name prominently displayed (see next pic), so everyone knows what you have just bought! When we trouped up the bus three hours later, the ladies were lugging their purchases like we had just raided a Longchamp and a LV store.

When we left Paris, it seemed like an equal score between LV and Longchamp, but guess what? When we arrived in London, 3 ladies bought a Longchamp each, to convincingly claim top spot between the two bags.

I casually (probably stupidly too) asked one of the ladies how much she paid for her LV. She equally casually replied, "Rm4k." *gulp gulp*

Wish List

2011-04-07T12:22:00.002+08:00

Am going away for 2 weeks, to view the tulips, climb the Eiffel Tower, have an authentic German pork knuckle, and throw some snowballs. Wouldn't have much chance to access the Net.

My wish list when I return:

* Team Blue defeated in the Sarawak elections. Don't have to be defeated kau-kau, just defeated,
* those three Datuk jokers charged for the worst conspiracy devised by humans,
* "No case to answer" for Sodomy II,
* that Nazi guy punished for his horrible remarks on the MCA,
* those school headmasters/headmistress punished for their racist remarks on their students,
* the Interlok book withdrawn.

Where Were You When the Lights Went Out (and the Cameras Went On)?

2011-03-28T10:43:00.003+08:00

For 22 minutes on a certain night of a certain Monday, the lights went out and (at least) 4 cameras went on inside a room of a 2-star hotel. Fast forward that, and we had a "for invitation only" viewing of the video at a room in a 5-star hotel. Fast forward that further, and we now have a new twist in the 'Get Rid of DSAI at All Costs' saga that started years ago and is picking up steam even as we write.

Where were you from 10-22 to 10-45 pm on Monday 21 Feb? How many wives, I wonder, asked their husbands that question? Perhaps 4; wives of the three schemers (who call themselves collectively as Datuk T) and one big-belly victim. The 3 schemers would have the world believe that they and DSAI went to this low grade hotel (no more condo with security guards), engaged the services of a sex worker (modern term for prostitute), had the event secretly filmed, and now want the victim to resign from politics in a week.

If the victim was really DSAI, then:

a. he must have covered his face or head while going to the hotel since nobody else recognized him,

b. he must have eaten a great big dinner or supper because those who watched the video noticed the main actor had a big belly,

c. the 3 schemers were trying to scratch their left ear with their right hand from the back of the head because if they could get DSAI into a hotel room, all they then needed to do was to call the Religious Dept people to storm the room and somebody (oops, I mean two people) would be caught with their pants (and panties) down.

His big belly (I mean, the lack of) saved him.

Dictator in School

2011-03-09T20:02:00.003+08:00

The recently reported incident of some school kids being dragged to the police station for 10 hours of questioning because they tried to return their copies of Interlok to their teacher is shocking. Apparently the Head of the Parent-Teacher Association was a police personnel and he took the singular decision of carting the kids to the balai. The school Principal must have decided to do a David Coppperfield (read, did a disappearing act). We can expect heavy artillery in Parliament these few weeks. Somebody is surely going to get a lawyer to sue somebody.

I can foresee more action on this one. Let's say we have a lawyer whose kid has similarly been given a copy of the book. Better yet if this lawyer is the Head of the PTA of another school. He gets some other parents and they then ask their kids to also return their books to their teachers. Then how?

Kicked Out (Chapter 4: No Lorry)

2011-03-02T10:28:00.002+08:00

Inspite of getting calls from 2 different people the night before, the lorry did not turn up at 9 am last Saturday as assured. I waited till 9-15, then called the last caller. It was a very short conversation with less than 10 words each way; I don't think these lorry sewa guys like to talk too much. His last words to me were, "My driver is on his way to your house now." Before he hung up, I managed to slip in the magic question, "What is his number?" He gave it to me.

Next, I called the number.
"Ya?!" It was almost a growl, like I had just disturbed a hibernating bear.
"I'm from Bukit Jalil. You're supposed to come to my house at 9 am today."
He then told me what all people waiting for lorries feared to hear most, that he was on another job and would come "after I finished". The phrase "after I finish" is a loaded phrase and can mean anything.
"What time can you come?"
"I don't know ... after I finish, I come." (translated from the original lingo)
"Half an hour? One hour?"
"Saya pun tak tahu. Satu jam ke satu jam setengah. Saya pun tak tahu."
"Ok," I said, "how about 10-30? Can you come at 10-30?" (time now: 9-20)
"Ok, Ok." The line went dead. Can't blame him; he was probably driving.

I consoled myself I could have some breakfast.

10-30 came and passed. No lorry, and no call from the driver. I called him. He had more bad news for me. "I not free to come now," he said. Great, and of course he was too busy to even call me.
"Then when can you come?"
"Saya datang petang." Again, 'petang' can mean anything from 1 pm to 7 pm.
"Look, can you come at 1-30? I wait for you at 1-30."
"1-30 ok. I datang."
"Good, so 1-30 ok?"

Looks like I had time not only for breakfast, but also for lunch.

1-30 pm came and passed. No lorry, no call.

Kicked Out (Chapter 3)

2011-03-01T18:45:00.003+08:00

Update 2. Regretfully, I had to decline those offers mainly because I wanted a permanent arrangement. Being no gypsy, I did not want to move to a place only to move out again in a month. Besides, there was obviously an ethics-related issue embedded. In college, one student said "I'll talk to my parents; we have a room in our house." Gosh!

On Thursday, I called College A but got a curt "Our rooms are for students only", period. I checked with College B and was delighted they had a room available. "When do you want the room?" they asked. Day after tomorrow, I said. Talking about in a hurry.

That evening, I called up a typical lamp-post lorry sewa number. The guy on the phone asked, "Dari mana?" I said, "Bkt Jalil, 9 am Sat." He said, "Ok, send sms now" and hung up like he had an appointment with God. I sent the sms and was disappointed that there was no acknowledgment. Maybe he did not get my sms. I called him. He said, "Ok" & hung up. On Friday, I sms him again to confirm. Odd. Don't tell me he ran out of credits. Later that night, a different person called me, "You want lorry? Dari mana?" I was happy. "Bkt Jalil, 9 am Sat," I said. He said "Ok." Curt and short. Did not even ask me exactly where.

At around 11 pm Friday, a third person called. "You want lorry from where?" For the third time, I said, "Bkt Jalil, 9 am, tomorrow." Again a quick Ok and hung up.

At 9 am Saturday, with all my boxes packed, I waited. No lorry turned up.

Kicked Out (Chapter Two)

2011-02-28T13:14:00.002+08:00

The next day in class (Tuesday), I passed the word around to my students on my need for a room by the weekend. Two Kazakh students who stay in a very well appointed and expensive apartment (The 'Savanah' in Bkt Jalil) offered to let me stay till I find something permanent. Another student, an Iranian, said I could stay with him till mid March. My scrabble kaki found me a room in her neighbor's unit next to hers. Two other students searched mudah.com and caribilik.my on my behalf. All that, including the offer by the agent to sleep in his hall, was so touching.

So which offer shall I accept?

Kicked Out of My Rented Room

2011-02-26T23:26:00.002+08:00

Due to a serious misjudgment of human character, I found myself kicked out of my rented room with a week to find another roof over my head. Since July 2010, I've been renting a room from this guy (main tenant) who seemed like a serious, honest chap. He told me he worked nights in a pub to pay through college. How noble.

What happened, however, was that he as the main tenant had not been paying rent to the owner for months. When he did pay, he would pay short giving excuses. He took our rental money to support a 'gaya' lifestyle of drinks, cigarettes, and the good life; in short he was living beyond his means. I should have noticed the signs when he didn't pay the electricity bill once.

Naturally the owner lost his patience and engaged an agent to get a new tenant. As soon as that happened, eviction notice was served to this irresponsible kid who didn't know his role as main tenant. That happened before CNY, yet he did not tell me (he said he didn't know how to tell me). I finally got to know about it a week ago when the agent met me and casually asked when I was moving out. I went "huh?" before he told me more bad news; that the owner wanted the apartment cleared by 28 Feb. Convinced that I was genuinely not informed by that rich kid pretender, the agent offered to let me sleep in his hall for a month!

So what do I do?

The +ve, -ve, and Neutral of CNY Holiday

2011-02-09T09:24:00.002+08:00

As I left her house, I felt a tinge of sadness. At 93 with a failing heart and unable to walk without a walker, my eldest aunt may not live through another Chinese New Year. Even now, she is on diapers and needs help in the bathroom and toilet. The one who does that is my 3rd aunt, who is herself 83 years old.

Another very frail old lady whom I said goodbye to was my 2nd aunt. At 91 and also with a failing heart, she could barely recognize me. With trembling fingers, she gave me a red packet with two newly minted $1 coins just before I left.

Those were the sad parts of my Singapore CNY holidays. The happy part was the rebonding with relatives and the 'M & M' (makan and mahjong) we had every day.

What about the 'neutral' part? After 9 out of 10 days and nights of mahjong with relatives playing at a rate of 10 cents minimum and $3-20 maximum for each game, my net score over the entire M&M CNY holidays came to exactly zero win and zero loss.

Next Chinese New Year: 23 January 2012!

Tenang By-Election, the Score So Far.

2011-01-24T07:57:00.003+08:00

Both candidates hit the ground running. The media stuffed us with news on what BN leaders did: the walk-around, shaking hands, dishing out mandarin oranges, making promises, the usual. The public get very little coverage, almost none in fact, of what Pakatan leaders did.

MCA President Chua scored lots of points for BN, including getting more scholarships for Chinese students with good results, something quite unprecedented. But the damper is an alleged unfulfilled promise of building a Chinese school from the last General Election, the still outstanding Teoh Beng Hock case where the government's announcement of a Royal Commission is seen as a half-hearted effort, and the case of the Deputy DG and two heads of schools who uttered racist remarks but were merely slapped on the wrists. The most recent damper must be the azan loudspeaker case where a lawyer who complained politely was coerced to apologize whereas noisy protesters were excused.

Here, Pakatan is unfortunately unable to take advantage of the opponents' position because PAS continues to harp on forming an Islamic State, something that is always fa sore point for many.

The MIC has also scored points for BN, especially over the Thaipusam festival where the PM and at least one other UMNO minister were seen mingling with the crowd at Batu Caves. Unfortunately, the damper here is from the 'Interlok' issue where the government has so far refused to budge from using a book containing the insulting p-word as a school text book.

One of the biggest dampers, however, must be the fact that the Pakatan candidate refuses to shake hands with her male supporters. BN supporters can't believe their luck in this own goal by their opponents.

She's not going to win.

The Last Shot

2011-01-05T11:43:00.002+08:00

Check this photo out (theSun newspaper dated 5 Jan 2011, front page).

It was meant to be a family photo, taken by Philippino councillor Dagsa, in front of their house. See the wife and children (faces blurred)? But just before the shot was taken, an assassin suddenly appeared, ninja-style. You can see the killer aiming his weapon in the pic. (That other guy was an accomplice of the assassin.)

Who shot who first? In this case, the victim 'shot' his killer first but unfortunately his 'weapon' was just the camera. Seconds later, the killer shot his victim who subsequently died.

Poor Dagsa had his last shot before the killer had his shot. Because the photo was later used as evidence, the killer was arrested which meant his shot was also his last shot (unless he gets to escape from arrest).

They should include inside Chapter One of the Assassins Handbook a note on how not to appear in front of your victim when he is holding a camera.

Mersing Tragedy: The Fish That Got Away

2010-12-30T11:31:00.005+08:00

Seabasses do not swim close to islands. I knew that, so I knew I should not be swimming too close to the island but my friends the groupers and the pomfrets said the planktons were plenty near the island this time of the year. So I took a chance but as soon as I felt that sharp pain in my mouth, I knew I had bitten a bait, darn!

Within minutes, I was yanked from the comfort of the sea into a boat. The angler had a delightful look on his face as he hauled me up; "Yay, I got one!" he announced to his friends on the boat.
"Wah, that's a beauty, at least 2 kg!"

I was roughly dropped inside a polyurethane foam box, where I spent the next hour with a couple of small groupers, pomfrets, and grass shrimps. My captor poured some water over us to keep us alive (and fresh for the dinner table later).

Later, our box was transferred onto a boat for the journey back to the mainland. Our box was not tied or secured but someone had placed a piece of luggage on top of it as more and more people got into the boat.
"Masuk, masuk! Masuk lagi!"
"Isn't the boat getting overcrowded, honey?"
"Oh don't worry, the boatman knows what he's doing. Besides, it's only a half hour ride back."
"You sure it's ok?"
"Ya, it's ok. The next boat's 3 hours away. C'mon."
"Hello mother, can you hear us? Listen, we're on our way back; get the grill ready, we've got a good catch today!"
"Masuk, masuk! Masuk lagi!"
"There's no more place to sit."
"It's ok, I'll stand; it's just a short journey. Ah good, we're moving."

Fifteen minutes into the journey, the boat started to rock as it encountered choppy waves. There were oohs and aahs as the people tried not to fall. Somebody started to puke. Then a big wave literally lifted the front part of the boat out of the water. The boatman started to shout instructions to the passengers to move forward, to balance the boat. No one moved, because ... well, have you tried getting up in the middle of a roller coaster ride?

"Mummy, I'm scared."
"It's ok, honey; it's just for a little while."
"Joe, you hold on to boy-boy while I hold to girl-girl, ok?"
"Ya, got it. Gee, this is really rough. Just be sure to hold to something."

Then it happened. A biggie smashed into the boat and flipped it over like a casino chip. There were screams as people got dislodged from their positions and lost balance inside the boat.

"Mummy, mummy!!"
"I'm here honey, I'm here!"
But mummy herself lost her balance and found herself being flung towards some people who themselves were trying to grab something. Panic. Screams. The boat uprighted itself momentarily, but then sea water started to gush into the cabin. More panic, more screams. Total chaos. Somebody started to smash the glass window with a piece of wood.

Within minutes, the boat went down. Naturally the box that was our 'cage' was freed and I and my friends swam out. I got away that time. Never will I go to that island again; not in December.

If It Ain't Broken, Don't Fix It

2010-12-20T09:17:00.002+08:00

No one ever told me that before I experimented with a watch. It was a perfectly working watch, but I got hold of some micro-screwdrivers and opened up the back of it and before long, little bits and pieces of springs and gears came loose. No prizes for guessing that I couldn't put those pieces back again. Of course, I was only 8 years old and nobody had told me "if it ain't broken, don't fix it."

Evidently I have a short memory, for when I had my first car (a used Datsun Bluebird), I did the same thing. I opened up one of the wheels (like the bear who climbed up a mountain to see what he could see) to see what I could see. An hour and a half later, I had to call a mechanic because I could not put the things back together again.

About 7 weeks ago, Chelsea was not only at the top of the English Premier League, there was so much space between them and the rest of the chasing pack that an elephant could have passed through. Then for no apparent reason, Big Boss decided to sack their No 2 coach Ray Wilkins. Ray was like an elder brother to many of the players, and was their dressing room friend. Where is Chelsea now on the table? They're struggling at 4th, 3 points behind leader Manchester United who have a game in hand.

Two weeks ago, something similar happened. Big Boss Mike Ashley of Newcastle sacked their coach Chris Hughton. A season ago, Chris had led Newcastle back to the EPL on promotion and the last thing players and fans expected was to see their coach dumped. Less than a week before that, Newcastle had drawn with Chelsea and also before that, beaten Arsenal at Arsenal.

If it ain't broken, don't fix it.

Someone should tell the people at the Ministry of Education. For reason of 'redeployment', they have decided to transfer more than a hundred teachers to different schools, worst hit being teachers in Selangor and Penang. Transfers are to start from 1 December, but in many cases transfer letters were dated 26 November, but received only on 13 December.

Is it a coincidence that (1) a month ago, the government okayed teachers to active in politics, and (2) both Selangor and Penang are ruled by the Opposition Coalition (Pakatan)?

Please Try to Look Depressed

2010-12-16T11:33:00.003+08:00

*knock knock* You want to see me, sir?
Ah yes ... ok, I'll go straight to the point. We're going to charge you in court.
WHAT?? But ... but you told me last time I'd go scot free!
Relax, relax. Let me explain. We need to charge you before the elections next year; it's part of our strategy to win the State.
Me? Part of your election strategy?
Ya. The public wants to see you strung up and left to dry for the Disneyland thing.
But I've already explained ...
You told them you paid for it with your own money but they don't buy. Not after copies of the original invoices had been circulated by email. I've seen them myself. Authentic.
So?
So we're going to give the public what they want.
What do they want?
They want to see you behind bars for so long that by the time you come out, your own mother won't be able to recognize you.
But what about your earlier promise to me that it would be "semua ok" for me?
Don't worry. We're not charging you for the Disneyland thing. We're just going to charge you for buying that land underpriced.
C'mon sir, that was willing seller willing buyer ... you can ask the seller yourself.
Bullshit. I wasn't born yesterday. Anyway, we'll see that the court delay your case until after the elections. We already have a judge lined up for that.
Then what happens after the elections?
Well, after the elections, we'll proceed with the case in court. We'll call 30 witnesses, maybe 40. It'd make the headlines for months. Then we'll postpone again. We'll do that for about a year, maybe two.
Then what?
Then when everybody has lost interest, we'll pronounce you not guilty ... not enough evidence. Simple. You'll walk out of court thanking God and everyone else, and saying how happy you have your life back and all that. Oh, you'll know what to say.
So you want me to use me as the sacrificial lamb?
With that, we'll win back the State for sure.
If you don't mind my saying so, you're a scheming rascal, sir. Anything else?
Ya, one more thing.
What?
When you're being led in and out of court, please try to wipe off that smirky smile from your face. Try hard to look depressed, will you?

C'mon Penang Traffic Police, Enforce!

2010-12-03T13:29:00.002+08:00

Much has been written by residents and visitors about the woeful situation of the traffic in Penang. Much, however, is contributed by the lack of enforcement on the part of the traffic police in Penang.

Case in point. Burmah Road is always a traffic nightmare, especially around the Pulau Tikus market area. That stretch is part of the busy bus lane so buses often get snarled up by cars parked on both sides of the road (where double yellow lines are clearly visible). A year ago, the police put up 'clamping signs' around the area, supposedly to warn motorists about parking on the road. But what happens? Motorists continue to park their cars on the road. They conveniently leave their cars even at road junctions and have their breakfast in the nearby kopitiams (the food in the area are some of the best in Penang, no doubt about that). So the area continue to be clogged and long lines of frustrated motorists wait on both directions of the road. To add insult to injury, the Pulau Tikus police station is located right at that very area. On weekends, small groups of police personnels can be seen operating from mobile kiosks in the area, and indeed the very sight of them is a deterrent to would be petty criminals, but for reasons best known to themselves, they do not enforce the no parking rule. So vehicles continue to park by the sides of the road, and often right next to those 'clamping' signs.

Need another example? Take Chulia Street. This is the famous 'travel agents street' where virtually every other shoplot is a travel agent. Love Lane is perpendicular to Chulia Street, so this is also where many foreign tourists hang out. No surprise then that the buses also ply Chulia Street. Now Chulia Street has parking lots on one side of the road, and double yellow lines on the other. You guess it; cars are freely parked on the double-yellow line side of the road as if those lines don't exist, making a mockery of those double yellow lines.

Penang police need to do some serious enforcement.

She Has Arrived!

2010-11-17T10:55:00.002+08:00

She has arrived!
Who? Who has arrived?
She has arrived, woo hoo!!
Who? Clinton?
No.
Mrs Michael Jackson?
No!
Then who?
The Allure, that's who.
The what?
The Allure!
Who's Allure?
The Allure is the biggest cruise ship in the world!
Bigger than Titanic?
Of course. The Titanic was built more than 110 years ago.
So where's the Allure now?
She's based in Florida .. together with The Oasis.
Who's The Oasis?
The Oasis is the twin sister of the Allure. Both same size.
Got pictures?
Better than pictures. Watch the video:

http://www.allureoftheseas.com/video.php?ship=allure

Why So Few Non Malays Join the Armed Forces

2010-11-09T15:05:00.004+08:00

In 1968, I was among a group of non Malay students from the Federation (now 'Royal') Military College who joined the Armed Forces as engineering cadets immediately after our Cambridge Higher School Certificate (HSC). We were sent to the University of Malaya where we graduated with an engineering degree 4 years later. We were then assigned to various positions in the army, navy and air force as Second Lieutenants (or equivalent).

A few years later, all of us passed our Lieutenant to Captain promotion examinations and were promoted to Captains. Another 4-5 years later, all of us passed our Captain to Major promotion examinations and were promoted to Majors. After eventually serving a total of about 20 years each, all except one chap in the Air Force were still Majors.

Some of us served as long as ten years as Majors. In these ten years, while 'marking time' as Majors, we watched as our Malay counterparts were promoted to Lieutenant Colonels, one by one with no exceptions. We watched as some of our more senior non-Malay officers were by-passed for promotion by Malay officers junior to them. Then our worst nightmare came to pass: we watched as Malay officers who were our juniors (and who once called us 'sir') not only caught up with us, but also got promoted to Lieutenant Colonels (from which point it was our turn to call them 'sir'). None of these Malay officers even had an engineering diploma (some went to Technical College, but failed and were kicked out of the college), let alone a degree.

Capt Ismail used to be an Adjutant, and arranged things for me when I visited his base in Terendak Camp, Malacca. A few years later, he became Major Ismail, then Lt-Col Ismail and even became my immediate boss. 2Lt Rahman and I used to serve in Taiping together when I was a Captain. By the time I left as Major, he had become Lt-Col Rahman. The list goes on.

Remember Jen Tan Sri Zahidi, former Chief of Defence Forces? He was actually a very nice guy, but I wonder whether he remembered there was a time when we were Majors together in Mindef.

Now Defence Minister Zahid Hamidi wants us to believe that non Malays don't join the Armed Forces because of 'lack of patriotism.' What an absolute idiot.

2010-11-07T15:46:00.003+08:00

Normally, big planes are parked with big planes and small planes are parked with small planes. On Thursday evening, however, as I landed at Changi Airport, Singapore, I saw a big plane (it was the Super Airbus A380: biggest passenger plane in the world) parked among small private jets, dwarfing them like a whale among dolphins. I thought nothing of it.

An hour later from the television at the airport lounge, I realized why the huge jet was not at the usual locations meant for giants like them; it was the Qantas jumbo that had one of its engines exploded in mid-air! It landed at Changi and was tucked away from the main traffic lanes while waiting for investigations to be conducted.

Singapore Airlines have 11 such planes, and immediately grounded all of them for urgent technical checks. By the next day, all 11 of SIA's Super Airbus were cleared for take-off, but during the corridor of a few hours, people who had booked seats on the Super Airbus must have been diverted to smaller planes (probably a Boeing 747 or 777) instead.

I'm glad it didn't happen to me in September. I can't imagine my disappointment if I were told upon checking in that the Super Airbus for my flight to Tokyo (that I had booked since January) was temporarily grounded and they were providing a 777 instead.

What's the Horrible Smell?

2010-11-01T09:32:00.002+08:00

Hey son, kenapa bau 'ni?
I don't know, ma.
Did you step on some dog shit on your way in?
No ma.
Smells like dog shit *sniff sniff*.
I don't smell anything, ma.
Alright, come sit down. Dinner is ready.

(After a while) I tak tahan lagi lah. The smell is really bad.
I really don't know lah, ma.
In fact, now it smells like human shit.
No lah, ma!
Look, did you forget to wash your anus after you shit today?
No ma, I didn't shit today.
Then?
I didn't wash my anus, ma.
You WHAT!? You didn't wash your anus? Why pulak?
*silence*
How many days didn't you wash your anus?
Dua hari sahaja, ma.
Why? I mean, why not?? Why didn't you wash your arse hole for 2 days?
Can't tell you, ma. If I tell you, I'll have to go to jail.

Angelina Jolie, Bruce Willis and Chee Cheong Fun

2010-10-26T10:35:00.003+08:00

The government is unable to stop the sale of pirated VCDs and DVDs. Not that they have not tried; they have, but the syndicates behind this particular 'industry' is too large, too smart, too well 'protected' by people in high places, etc. Being too embarassed by its inability to stop this illegal trade (especially when, just across the border in Singapore, NO ONE except no one sells pirated tapes), the government is now mulling the idea of punishing the purchasers as well. "If no one buys, then naturally no one will sell," they reasoned. Simple economics: kill off the supply by killing off the demand.

If the government has its way, it means that you and I can be prosecuted for possessing just one pirated copy of Angelina Jolie's Salt, or Bruce Willis' Red.

Of course it won't stop there. From pirated VCDs and DVDs, the campaign will spread to other imitation goods such as imitation watches and imitation ladies handbags, and people who buy those in Petaling Street will conveniently find themselves taken in for questioning by the cops on mobile beat duty. You'll have to stay out of that place, won't you? Imagine your girlfriend being taken in for questioning just after buying an imitation Gucci bag.

But it won't stop there either. The next category of items targetted will be food, such as imitation Penang Fried Kuey Teow, imitation Kampar claypot chicken rice, imitation Taiping popiah, imitation Muar fried oysters. Looks like I have to avoid hawker centres and foodcourts where these are sold; no fun in gobbling a plate of Ipoh chee cheong fun only to be nabbed by enforcement officers for consuming imitation Ipoh chee cheong fun. No fun at all.

Tony Fernandes Has Lost It

2010-10-20T11:37:00.002+08:00

That full page advert is not funny. It's in bad taste, unnecessary, disgusting, and sick. The person who thought up that advert has no class.

To describe Westerners as "a bunch of white guys" is primitive, out of date, unprofessional, and uncouthed. And yes, it qualifies as a racial slur. Why would a man who, up to now, has earned global respect for his business achievements, use such words on his business competitors? There are much more gentlemanly ways of describing Westerners.

Seems to me, Tony Fernandes has lost it.

Penang Airport and AirAsia: Now Everyone Can Fry

2010-10-15T10:32:00.001+08:00

Sunday, 10 Oct. At 2-45 pm, about a hundred people were queueing up outside Gate 13 at Penang International Airport for AirAsia's 2-55 pm flight (AK5363) from Penang to Kuala Lumpur. The plane had arrived and about another group of other people watched with envy as the first group began boarding the plane. That other group of people was there to wait for AirAsia's 3-35 pm flight (AK5375), also to Kuala Lumpur and to board from Gate 14, just next to Gate 13.

Usually, the AK5363 people would have vacated the area around Gates 13 and 14 by the time the second group (AK5375) built up, and it would be okay because that area wasn't very spacious and anything more than a hundred people would be getting uncomfortable for everybody. This was made worse with the location of a smoking room smack in the area giving non-smoking passengers waiting outside a good whiff of second-hand smoke at no extra charge ("Now Everyone Can Smoke").

As the hundred people for the 3-35 pm flight started to build up, two horrible things happened. First, there was the announcement (ever so familiar that no one was surprised anymore) that 'flight AK5375 is delayed and at this time we are unable to say when it would depart'. The second horrible thing that happened was that people who had already boarded the 2-55 pm flight (AK5363) were seen disembarking the plane back to the terminal building! So now we had two AirAsia flights delayed: one that had not arrived and even the ground stewards could not inform the passengers when it would arrive, and the other already waiting at the tarmac but was going to be delayed long enough for the stewardesses to 'shoo' the passengers back to the terminal building. (A good question to ask now would be: which flight would you rather be in?)

With passengers from both AK5363 and AK5375 now occupying that small space around Gates 13 and 14 (picture people sitting all over the floor with their luggages and the smoking room smoking like an incinerator), a third horrible thing happened (horrible things usually happen in two's or three's, depending on how bad your luck is): FireFly announced a delay to their departing flight and invited passengers to collect their meal vouchers from Gate 14! Simple mathematics will tell you that now, we had 2 AirAsia flights and 1 Firefly flights of passengers all in one small area of the Penang International Airport.

There was further punishment for the passengers waiting for AK5363 (that's the plane from which they were asked to disembark): all 4 air stewardesses were seen leaving the aircraft towing their trolley bags! That plane, dude, was not going anywhere anytime soon, haha!!

That wonderfuly afternoon (last Sunday), everyone including those on Firefry, could fry. Huge words could be seen on the side of the AirAsia plane on the tarmac: "Truly Asia." Actually, they missed out one word: it should read "Truly AirAsia".

Did You Hear the Nation-Wide Cheering and Applauses?

2010-10-13T14:24:00.002+08:00

Did you hear them? Did you hear the nation-wide cheering and applauses?
No, what applauses?
You didn't hear it? It was all over the country, from the north to the south and from the east to the west.
No, we didn't hear it. What was it about?
I can't believe you didn't hear the loud cheering and applauses.
What? Did we win another gold at the Delhi Games?
Better than that ... MUCH better than that!
No, you better tell us ...
Or shall I wait till it comes out in the news this evening?
No no! We can't wait ... tell us why there should be nation-wide cheering just now.
Sure you want to know now? You don't want to ....
NO NO! Tell us now!
So you really really want to know?
Yes Yes Yes!

Ibrahim Ali ("my legs were numb, that's why I didn't stand up in Parliament") was stripped of his datukship by Kelantan.

Who Would You Like to Have Dinner With?

2010-10-07T07:48:00.004+08:00

Yesterday in class, I took my students through a session called "Who Would You Like to Have Dinner With?" The original question really was, "If you could have dinner with one person, who would you like that person to be?"

I started the ball rolling. If I could have dinner with one person it would be my mother, I said, who passed away 8 years ago. To begin with, we would go to her favourite foodcourt in SS2, Petaling Jaya, and we would order her favourite chicken rice from Stall No 2. My mother just loved their chicken rice with char siew.

I would then update her with all that had happened over the last 8 years, how we are, how our relatives are in Singapore, a little about my work now, a little about my travels and how I wished I could have made some of those trips with her when she was still alive. I would tell her that her grandkid had successfully completed his MBA and that her grandkid-in-law had also finished her LLB. I know mother would be happy to know that because she had always impressed upon us the importance of a good education.

After we finish our chicken rice, I would get her some tong sui, the bo-bo-cha-cha that she liked. Then over tong sui, I would tell her about Nicholas and Melody, her great grandkids whom she had never met.

A Ship Even Bigger than the Oasis?

2010-09-30T13:47:00.004+08:00

Over our last dinner on the eve of departure, Jim and Helen (who shared the same dining table with me throughout the entire cruise) said they would be sailing on the Allure in December. What about me, they asked. Casually, I said I might sail on the ship 'after the Allure', meaning I would wait for somebody to build a ship that's bigger than these two giants. Jim then said 'it would be difficult for them to build anything bigger than this.' I absolutely agree with him; the Oasis is already so big that one can't imagine how anyone can build a cruise ship that's going to be bigger.

But you know what? Somebody IS building a ship that's bigger than the Oasis (and the Allure). Let me give you an idea of how much bigger:

The Oasis has 22 restaurants; this new big giant will have 50 restaurants!

The Oasis has 17 decks; this new lady will have 20 decks.

The Oasis takes 5700 passengers; this new biggie will have a capacity of 8400 passengers.

The Oasis is 220,000 tonnes; this new ship is going to tip the scale at 450,000 tonnes.

Now isn't that simply breath-takingly exciting? Cruise stalkers all over the world will surely consider life not complete without a sail on this new giant that is more than twice bigger than today's biggest ship, the Oasis.

May I now introduce you to ....

The PRINCESS KAGUYA (from Japan) scheduled for her maiden voyage in 2012.

"Am I Going to Die?"

2010-09-24T07:59:00.003+08:00

She was the next to go. Behind her was her sister, and then me. We were all harnessed up. She turned back to her sister and asked softly, "Am I going to die?" Her sister didn't say anything; perhaps she was wondering herself whether she was going to die. I overheard the question, and said very softly in reply, "Not today."

Seconds later, the little girl who asked whether she was going to die pushed herself into space and was propelled a hundred metres across nine floors of void, held by a single metal cable like a cable car. Unlike a cable car that moved slowly, however, the little girl zipped across that hundred metres without any brakes. More seconds later, her sister followed her on the zip line, screaming "Wheeeeeee!"

Then it was my turn. A fraction of a second before I launched myself from the platform, I made the mistake of looking down. Too late, I couldn't turn back. I took one deep breathe and sprung off ...

In New York on 9/11

2010-09-17T10:49:00.003+08:00

Last week, on Saturday 11th of September, the 9th anniversary of the tragic "9/11", I was in New York.

Thursday, two days before, most of the American tv channels were on that pastor who declared he wanted to burn copies of the koran on Saturday. The US Open tennis competition was on, but that pastor (who looked like somebody who lost 20 cents and found only 10 cents) had more tv coverage than both Nadal and Federer combined. The other thing occupying most of the tv channels was the issue about the proposed building of an Islamic centre two blocks from Ground Zero in New York.

Friday, the day before, the pastor said he had decided not to go ahead with the burning. Even the four past presidents on Mount Rushmore heaved a huge sigh of relief. Then in the evening, that fellow said he would go ahead with the burning after all.

Morning of Sept 11: early morning tv channels showed that pastor (based in Florida) had actually flown into New York! He was surrounded by security guards and moved through check-out. Apparently, he had finally decided not to do the burning 'after speaking with the Iman' (although the Iman denied such a dialogue).

At 9-08 am sharp, the entire immigration complex where I and a few hundred others were dropped everything and observed 3 minutes' silence as a sign of respect for those who perished 9 years ago. Nothing moved. Cops and security guards removed their headgears and bowed their heads. People who continued talking were politely told to keep silent.

At New York's JFKennedy airport, I had to remove not just my shoes but also my belt as I moved through security. It was actually quite fun, removing my belt in front of so many people, and having so many women removing their belts in front of me. I had secretly hoped that someone in front of me would pick up my cheapskate imitation leather belt by mistake and left me his genuine Alain Delon instead but ... no such luck.

We left New York at 9-30 pm, glad that there was no untoward incident and nothing was burnt.

Punctuality of Gold

2010-09-15T09:12:00.003+08:00

The following set of flight timings tell a story of a certain airline's golden punctuality:

2 Sept: Singapore to Tokyo (SIA), flight time more than 6 hours, plane left and arrived on time.
3 Sept: Tokyo to Dallas (AA), flight time more than 11 hours, plane left on time, arrived early.
3 Sept: Dallas to Miami (AA), flight time more than 3 hours, plane left on time, arrived on time.

11 Sept: Miami to New York (Delta), flight time more than 3 hours, plane left and arrived on time.
11 Sept: New York to Singapore (SIA), flight time more than 12 hours, plane left on time, arrived early.
13 Sept: Singapore to K Lumpur (MAS), flight time less than one hour, plane delayed almost 2 hours.

Punctuality of gold, no?

What Happened at 9 am, Friday 3 Sept

2010-09-13T08:15:00.002+08:00

A very strange thing happened to me on Friday, 3 September.

First, I arrived at Tokyo's Narita airport at around 9 am, on Friday 3 September. I remember that very well because it was so early that there were not many people at the huge airport, and all I saw were Japanese security guards who, I was sure, were part time samurais because they looked so professional. They stood with their legs slightly apart, just like a samurai moments before a sword fight. I was sure they were watching me as I moved from one terminal to another, to catch my connecting flight to Dallas. So on Friday 3 September, at 9 am, I was in Tokyo.

Just before 12 noon, we boarded the plane bound for Dallas. It was still Friday morning. The 12 hour flight was long and boring, and by the time I had to take off my shoes and belt for the American security (even the girls had to take off their heels), I was feeling pretty groggy. I looked at the huge wall clock; it showed 9 am. I looked at the calendar and got a small shock: it was Friday 3 September!

Hey wait! How could we have left Tokyo at 12 noon on Friday, and arrive at Dallas at 9 am, also on Friday? In other words, we arrived earlier than when we left! So at 9 am on Friday 3 September, I was in Tokyo as well as in Dallas!

During the 12 hour flight, when the rest of the world had moved forward, I had moved backward 3 hours! Somehow, I had lived my life twice on Friday 3 September; once in Tokyo and once more in Dallas.

Could someone please tell me how I could go back to 4 September again; cos then I would be boarding the ship all over again :)

Human Sacrifices: Beheading

2010-09-09T23:01:00.003+08:00

Two teams get together for a football game in front of the entire town. The ´football´ weighs about 14 lbs (the weight of a bowling ball), and the players use their forearms as well as their legs. Imagine the crowd cheering wildly. The ruler is there with his 4 wives.

The end of the game comes with a human sacrifice, usually a beheading. Guess who gets beheaded: the losing team or the losing team´s coach? Wrong. The winning team gets sacrificed! Why? Because it is an honour to sacrifice oneself.

Weird? That was the Mayan way of life about 1100 years ago.

Yesterday, I visited one of their sacrificial pyramids. Like their other pyramids, it had 365 steps and 7 levels with a small room at the top. That was a preparatory room. Each sacrifice was usually a beheading, probably quick and painless. I thought they sacrificed virgins, but I was wrong. Most of the sacrifices were men. It was an honour, for king and country.

Untuk Agong, untuk Negara.

The Samurai, the Security Guard and the Lady with the Walking Aid in First Class

2010-09-04T17:54:00.003+08:00

The Singapore Airline Super Airbus A380 is huge by all standards. I thought there were only two entrances, upper deck and lower deck, but I was wrong. There was a lower deck entrance alright but besides the normal entrance for mortals like me, the upper deck also had an extra entrance that led to suites for the super-rich.

As we were heading to Tokyo, there were many Japanese passengers and even at least one Japanese air hostess. She was tall and well groomed like the girl unsheathing a katana (samurai sword) you see on billboard advertisements on Viera flatscreen televisions ("clear and sharp"). In front of us passengers, she was always smiling but I wouldn't be surprised she was a part-time samurai when not on duty with Singapore Airlines.

In Dallas, my luggage alerted the scanner lady who in turn alerted a security guard. After asking whether the bag was mine, the security guard beckoned me to a corner with the bag and said he was going to manually check it (dang, I was only 30 minutes from my connecting flight!). Then he said, and I'll not forget it for some time because of the way he said it, "When I'm checking your bag, don't reach in to grab anything." Whoa! Wonder how many times he has encountered people who suddenly reached in to grab a pistol or something. I almost laughed but kept a straight face. Anyway, it was the toothpaste inside my bag that started it all and I didn't have to be pinned against a wall by other security guards as he went through my bag.

Inside the aerobridge to the plane later, I met a woman with a walking aid in front of me. She was walking very slowly, almost limping. There were only two of us at that point, and she sensed my presence behind her. "You may pass me," she said, "I'll just take my time." In response, I said something stupid like, "Nah, I think the plane will wait for us" and walked with her. She laughed, "Yeah, I think so." Then I asked, "Do you know how long is the flight?" I was not just making small talk, I really did not know how long was the flight going to be and silently wished it was not going to be another long haul like the Tokyo-Dallas 11 hour journey. When she said it was about 3 hours, I asked whether they would give us anything to eat (it was 11-30 am, so lunch would be appropriate). No, she said, just something to drink. Then she said, "but I've got some nuts if you like." I laughed, said no and thanked her anyway. She said, "I'm serious. Just come and look for me." I noticed she was holding a boarding pass for First Class, wow. I did not look for her, but you know what? Two hours into the flight, she actually came over to Economy Class with her walking aid and all, found me, and gave me a 6" Subway sandwich! Whoa, now was that a great piece of generosity or what?

A Huge Bird and Two Little Fishes

2010-09-02T19:27:00.003+08:00

You don't normally book two flights to the same destination (in this case, Singapore) on the same day (in this case, today), but then again, today is not considered just any ordinary normal day. If I missed the midnight flight from Singapore to Tokyo, I would then miss the connecting flight from Tokyo to Dallas, and of course the next connecting flight from Dallas to Miami. The ultimate disaster would be missing the boat in Miami. With so much at stake, I decided to book a second flight as 'insurance', just in case I missed the first one or it got terribly delayed the AirAsia style.

Well, I got on the 5-30 flight alright (after cutting my 3-hour class by 2 hours then jumping into a cab and asking the driver to step on it), and got into Singapore on schedule. At the transfer counter, I was delighted when the counter staff churned out not just the Singapore to Tokyo boarding pass, but the other two boarding passes as well. That meant I did not have to check in anymore; just get to the boarding gates on time. "Make sure you re-set your watch," was his cautionary advice, and "while in Tokyo, be at the gate early in case you don't read Japanese!" Haha, that guy was a joker, wasn't he?

The other delightful thing that made my day (evening, actually) was that my request for a seat on the upper deck of the Super Airbus A380 was granted. Free upgrade on the huge bird.

With three boarding passes under my belt, I then proceeded to the CIMB lounge for the first of two grilled mackerels. Why two? Well, one from my KUL-SIN boarding pass as an arriving passenger and one more from my SIN-TOKYO boarding pass as a departing passenger. At time of writing this, I just had the first fish ... very well done, and after this shall go for a bath or something and then come back at around 10 pm for the second one. Life is good, it really is.

Of Hurricanes and Volcanoes

2010-09-01T12:17:00.004+08:00

It has come down to just a tad more than 24 hours, from the original 11 months. 11 months ago, I booked a cabin on the Oasis. First, it was months; then weeks; then days. When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will be down to hours.

Ever met anyone who booked two flights to the same destination on the same day? That's me; I booked a 5-30 pm KL-Singapore flight as well as one at 7 pm, the idea being if I missed the first for whatever reasons, I could fall back on the second.

For a person who doesn't work in a meteorological station or weather tracking department, I've been tracking two hurricanes every day for the past week, holding my breath. First, it was Hurricane Danielle heading towards the Caribbean and churning up angry waves and closing an airport, and causing serious concern to would-be cruise passengers. Yesterday, weather reports reported that Hurricane Danielle had pumped out but now there is a greater storm, called Hurricane Earl, and guess what? Earl was furious enough to cause Royal Caribbean to divert not one, not two, not even three but FIVE of their ships (read about it here), one of which is the Oasis herself.

Even as I am writing, people along some parts of the United States east coast are already boarding up their homes and some mandatory evacuations have begun. Some friends have called me to cancel the trip and seek a refund, but that's like asking a samurai to throw down his sword without a fight.

This morning, the United States weather people issued a fresh projected path of Earl. From this latest projection, it seems that Earl (the red streak) has decided to give Florida (to Earl's left) a miss and head north for New York instead. Is that a relief or what?

But hold it! Just when I thought it was okay from the hurricanes, we have a new potential problem: an old volcano in north Sumatra decided to erupt, spewing ashes several kilometres into the atmosphere and disrupting flights. Remember what happened to England and Europe earlier this year when even Heathrow was shut down? Well, fortunately Sumatra is NOT between Singapore and Japan.

Please wind, at least until after midnight tomorrow, please do NOT blow eastward.

Danielle and Fishtail

2010-08-30T09:58:00.003+08:00

What do Danielle and Fishtail have in common?

Well, who is Danielle? A cute French madammoiselle? An American lass?
Danielle is a hurricane, and Hurricane Danielle is heading towards the Caribbean, zooming in on the Pacific east coast of Mexico. Fishtail is also heading to the Caribbean, and also heading to Mexico, although Fishtail's journey has not started yet (it's still an agonising 3 days away).

Hurrican Danielle has just been upgraded to Category 4 (whatever that means) with a speed of something like 135 mph and is expected to hit land later in the week. Hurricane Danielle has decided to bring along a younger brother, called Earl, and both Hurricane Danielle and Hurricane Earl are expected to dump several tons of water and throw up angry waves before they're through.

Remember Katrina? Katrina was Hurricane Danielle's elder aunt and caused havoc in Haiti several years ago, leaving trails of destruction and misery. Let's hope Danielle and Earl have no such intention when they hit the Caribbean later in the week, when Fishtail also arrives. Fishtail wants to visit the Mayan ruins in Mexico, not be soaked to the skin and have the visit ruined.

3 days to go ... and counting.

ABC of a Weekend in Taipei

2010-08-17T17:01:00.002+08:00

A: an all-in price of less than Rm1.5k per person for return tickets, hotel and breakfasts
B: Banqiao, 5 MRT stations away from Main Taipei Station, where we stayed
C: China Airlines, that offered the package
D: Danshui, where the Fishermen's Wharf and Lovers' Bridge are; 2 must-visit places
E: Exhibition of chocolate-made items including the Xiaman warriors (see 'X')
F: Foodcourt at basement of Banqiao railway station; inexpensive and delightful
G: Grand Forward Hotel; very good service and surprisingly a huge breakfast spread
H: Hotspring at Beitou, where we were given free vouchers for a bath but did not go
J: Jiu-Fen ('Nine Portions'), an old gold-mine town north of the island
L: Longshan ('Dragon Hill') Temple, very old and crowded with worshippers and visitors
M: Metro, the underground mass railway transit (MRT) system; very modern
N: Nanya, a place north of the island with strange natural rock formations
P: Parks in the city, where the elderly spend their time over card games and exercises
S: Shilin night market; biggest and most famous in Taiwan
T: Toufu, the smelly type! Lots of that at the night market.
W: Fishermen's Wharf at Danshui; an hour by MRT but worth going
X: Xiamen Warriors, made from chocolate exhibition. Attracted more kids than adults.

It's Time Hitz.FM Gag Their "Gotcha!"

2010-08-11T07:47:00.002+08:00

"Hi, may I speak to Mr ....?"
Yes, speaking.
Oh, good morning. This is Jason, calling from ...., the country agent for your Royal Caribbean cruise.
Yes? What about?
Well, we are sorry to tell you that your cruise scheduled for next month has to be postponed indefinitely.
What??! Why? I've been waiting 11 months for this!
Yes we know and we are truly sorry; but you see, it's the hurricane season in Florida right now and ...
And ... ?
And we have received instructions from our office in Fort Lauderdale that a hurricane is expected on the first week of September, and it's not safe to sail. The safety of our passengers is our main priority, you know.
What the .... ! Then how? I've booked my return plane tickets as well as the hotel before and after the cruise.
We are very sorry, but I'm sure the airlines will be very understanding.
Then when am I able to sail? You must let me know cos I have to book my air tickets ...
I know, but right now we can't tell. Maybe 2 to 3 weeks from now, we'll let you know.
But I just can't pick up my bags and go to Florida at 2-3 weeks' notice.
I know, we are very sorry.
Shoot! This is very bad news. What am I going to do?
Er, we have one question for you.
What?
Do you listen to Hitz.Fm on the radio?
What!? You mean ... ?
Gotcha! Hahahahahahah ..... !

Is that kind of conversation very funny? That definitely isn't but Jason and his team at Hitz.Fm think it is. No, they haven't called me yet, but I've heard them called other people who have booked furniture, cars, college registrations, etc. After giving their victims a near heart attack, Jason then goes off into a hyena-like laughter "hahahahahaha!"

It's a stupid practical joke, and it's time they stop it.

Bolehland Exhibiting Condoms and Rubber Ducks in Shanghai

2010-08-05T14:48:00.002+08:00

Waiting for my flight to Penang at the airport this morning, I picked up a discarded copy of theSun newspaper and flipped through its pages. Of course it had its usual news about somebody suing somebody, somebody writing letters for his son's company, somebody being found dead with his girlfriend in a car, lots of somebodies graduating ('tis the convocation season), etc. The usual.

But there was this article (page 13 under 'extra!') that really caught my eye. It was about our exhibition hall at the on-going World Expo in Shanghai. According to the writer (a regular columnist, I believe), she was greeted by a group of plastic plants, a mini waterfall, a mock orang utan, A1 sauces and food items she said she had never heard of. She continued by describing a themed display showing little plastic men with top knots wearing straw skirts making chocolate using Stone Age tools. The climax (oops, wrong choice of word) of her article must be the part where she wrote about Malaysian creations advertising condoms and rubber ducks on the 2nd floor of the hall.

Someone asked me whether we should make a trip to Shanghai later this year. He's got to be kidding.

What I Cannot Bring Along on the Cruise

2010-07-28T08:44:00.008+08:00

Since receiving my official cruise documents last week, I've been reading the 20 page booklet over and over again. It's really cool. Passengers need to book their seats for the 6 shows onboard or risk facing a "House Full" sign (max capacity is 6000 passengers), and I've booked all six online. There are 24 restaurants onboard, and I've made a rough culinary map on which restaurants to aim for on which day. There are about 60 land tours that we could choose from, and I've also booked a seat for the Mayan ruins (ref: previous post).

I've also decided to go for the Zip Line (see image) with the Caribbean sea and Haitian sharks below, and have already told my students that if I didn't come back for classes they would know what happened.

There's a paragraph in the booklet that states items that I could not bring along. Besides drugs, guns, and knives, these include bows and arrows, baseball bats, handcuffs, martial arts equipment, and realistic replicas of such. So I can't practise my kungfu onboard and I can't play Robin Hood. Wonder if they'll let me go to the pool with my toy water pistol that looks so much like a real .38 Smith and Wesson.

Bringing Back A Mayan Virgin from the Caribbean

2010-07-14T10:06:00.007+08:00

Remember the disaster movie "2012", about how the world would come to an end on December 21, 2012, according to a Mayan predication? Wonder whether they had octopuses to help them in making that prediction. This post, however, is neither of octopuses nor end-days prediction. This post is about the Mayans.

The Mayans lived in the Mexico-Guatemala-Honduras region in the Caribbean area long before Columbus arrived. In their cities were stone temples and pyramids many of which remain today in ruins. Not only were the Mayans famed for their knowledge of mathematics and astronomy (aka their 2012 prediction), they were also known for the practice of human sacrifice as a means of appeasing and nourishing the gods. Such human sacrifices included Mayan virgins. Quite commonly, their skulls were smashed just before their bodies were pushed down the slope to the wild cheers of worshippers and onlookers.

Fishtail shall be be in Costa Maya in September, and shall certainly visit the Mayan ruins. Don't think it will be possible to bring back a Mayan virgin; maybe just a fragment of her skull in the form of a keychain holder?

With Two More Games to Go ...

2010-07-05T16:20:00.005+08:00

In South America, Dunga (Brazil) has lost his job. Maradona feels like he has been struck by Muhammad Ali but still managed to hug Messi who was in tears. He didn't listen when someone said he should have included fullbacks in his team. Felipe Melo (scored own goal against Holland and red carded and sent off for stomping on opponent) was told he should not spend his holiday in Brazil. He should be thankful he is not from Columbia, because gangsters there make it a past-time executing footballers who caused the national team (and punters) to lose.

In the African continent, Gyan (Ghana striker who missed the penalty just before the 120th minute extended time that would have given Ghana the victory over Uruguay, something like what John Terry did when he missed the penalty for Chelsea during the penalty shoot-out against MU that would have given Chelsea the European Champions League Cup in Moscow in 2008) probably needs psychiatric counseling. The Nigerian team had to be protected by police from angry members of the public upon returning to Lagos.

In Europe, Cristiano Ronaldo is inconsolably sad. The English team flew back into Heathrow in the wee hours of the morning. John Terry, Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard have probably played their last World Cup. In France, the entire management and the players have become French fries literally and nobody will be playing football for a while. Maybe they'll take up Scrabbles or Monopoly.

In Asia, the North Korean players and their manager could be sent to work at the coal mines while the South Koreans would be feted. Honda, the silver hair Japanese striker, has become a hero.

Meanwhile, a sotong has predicted that Spain will end Germany's dream-run. I think I'll bet a nasi lemak tambah sotong on this sotong for this game :)

Ragging to Foster Relationships? My Foot!

2010-07-02T11:07:00.002+08:00

When I was in the Federation (now 'Royal') Military College or RMC, I underwent ragging by the seniors like all juniors did. Fortunately, ragging was confined to a month of two, after which even the most childish seniors had out-grown their stupid childishness and turned their attention to their studies. I was therefore surprised that ragging was still ongoing in June this year, a good 6 months after the start of the new school year. We juniors were physically carried out of our beds on Saturday nights and dumped into the community bath-tub, pajamas and all. Besides that, the seniors found it funny to plaster our faces with Kiwi shoe polish. Those were acts to stamp their seniority over us, but fortunately there were no physical punches and kicks.

When I was a freshie at First College, University of Malaya, seniors ragged us too. They tried to tell us that ragging was to foster relationships between the seniors and the juniors. One particular ragger, a rugby player who thought himself as 'macho' and who attempted to run an airline later in his life and failing miserably, was so disgusting and made us juniors hated him so much none of us would help him if he fell off his horse. Then there was this army sponsored 2nd year engineering student who got 3 army sponsored first year engineering students to march around holding a hockey stick each while he watched like a general watching a parade. I met him many times more in the course of our army duties, but I never bothered to even want to have a drink with him as a result of his bullying attitude towards us while in campus.

Ragging to foster relationships? My foot.

World Cup and FootBrawl

2010-06-21T09:46:00.005+08:00

With just one point from two games, the French have virtually fried themselves. To add to the meltdown, there was this foul-mouthed Anelka who blasted the coach with not one but two rude words and was promptly sacked. Then the whole team boycotted a training session in protest and their fitness coach resigned in disgust. In summary, it's an utter disaster for the team that got into the Finals through the "Hand of Frog" goal. I wouldn't bet a doughnut on their getting to the next round.

In spite of countless warnings, Rooney just cannot control his temper. Perhaps he shares DNA with the Incredible Hulk or Mr Hyde. Whatever, he seems immuned to his profanities on the football field. However, he is not the only problem for the England team right now, and if they could not beat USA or Algeria, can they beat Slovenia (failing which it's an early check-out for those dudes).

What about Malaysia? Recent Maxis advertisements remind us that not so long ago, during the time of SuperMokh, Tai Ko Soh Chin Aun, Spiderman Arumugam and King James Wong, Malaysia used to be on par with Korea and Japan. Now? While Korea and Japan are playing at the World Cup, Malaysia's national team (not the youth team, mind you) can't even complete a game with a Turkish selection team without getting into a fight. I wouldn't pay 50 sen for a ticket to watch the Malaysian team play.

A Motorist, A Motorcylist, and A Red Light

2010-06-16T09:46:00.004+08:00

I saw him for the first time at about 11 pm last Sunday evening. He could not be more than 25 years old.

Before that, it struck me as unusual to have a traffic jam at the ASTRO end of the LDP (Puchong Damansara Highway) so late on a Sunday night. "Sunday night," I muttered to myself, as I was forced to join the tail end of the jam from the Bukit Jalil Stadium, "is this the work of the police in anticipation of a rally or something tomorrow morning? Is there a big demonstration in front of some embassy or something tomorrow?"

That portion of the highway was for two lanes of vehicles, each direction, and on my side, both lanes were jammed. Fortunately, nobody tried to jump queue or do something stupid so we were just inching our way along. I silently comforted myself that I would be turning off in less than 2 km. We passed SIRIM on our left. "1 more km," I said to my windscreen.

Then it became clear (from the tail lights of the vehicles ahead) that the source of the jam was the traffic lights at the t-junction down the slope from the Fire Station 500 meters away. As I neared that junction which by then was crowded with onlookers, passers-by and such, I saw him. He was lying motionless underneath a car, still with his crash helmet on. A small pool of blood oozed from his head. People could not remove his body because more than half of the body was stuck under the car. The car was occupying almost the entire half of the road with a huge dent on its driver side door.

It was clear that the car was coming out from the side road to the highway while the motorcylist was on the highway just before the collision, and somebody did not stop at red. The resulting collision resulted in the death of the motorcylist. What was not clear: who did not stop at red, the motorist or the motorcylist?

Only 3 people know: the car driver, the dead motorcyclist, and ... God.

A Smoking Monkey

2010-06-02T11:09:00.004+08:00

Not so long ago, I came across a young man in his twenties. Wearing a long sleeved shirt and carrying a bag slung over his back, he looked like the ordinary office worker. He was, however, rummaging through a line of trash bins, looking for discarded empty aluminium cans.

Along Sultan Street in Kuala Lumpur's Chinatown, a roadside peddler had placed a large trash bin on the side of the road to prevent motorists from parking their cars at that spot. When I was around that spot, I saw an elderly man about to look at the contents of the trash bin, but he didn't get very far because the roadside peddler snapped at him, saying that was his trash bin (like he had the sole rights).

Often, I have spotted beggars picking up cigarette butts thrown by passers-by. They (I mean the beggars, not the passers-by) would pick up any cigarette butt that they could find, light them up and extract a smoke or two. Pathetic, right?

Now how about a smoking monkey? Holy smoke, what next?!

(Pic taken from Malaysiakini)

Hi Honey, I Bought A Flat!

2010-05-25T07:54:00.006+08:00

Hi Abang, guess what?
What, Sayang?
I've bought another piece of property *waving documents*
Huh? But we already have this double storey house.
I know; but this is a gold mine *smiling* It's just a flat, but it comes cheap.
Cheap? How cheap?
It's low cost *hehe*. Actually it's meant for the poor but I got one anyway.
It's meant for the poor? Then how ... ?
I'm a council staff, remember? Just consider it as one of the perks lah.
Where is the place?
It's in Sri Jati. Ever heard of it? Ara Damansara area.
No. What are you going to do with it? We're not going to stay there, are we?
Memang tidah lah, haha! It's a low cost flat. I'm going to rent it out. It's no loss, Abang; the rental more than pays for the monthly instalment.
But how did you qualify? Aren't those flats meant for those with combined salary of less than 2.5k?
Memang betul. But we deduct our car loan, deduct salaries to our two maids, deduct the kids' tuition fees, deduct our present house monthly instalment ... we qualify lah!
Aiyoh *shaking head* are you sure it's alright to do that, Sayang?
Sure lah. Our Deputy Director himself is doing it what!
But won't you be depriving one poor family of a flat?
Aiyah, that one we don't kira lah. Anyway, still got 6 units left, so technically I'm not depriving anybody.
Sure you won't get caught?
In this country, where can get caught, haha!

Thomas - Uber Cup Finals: the Moment of Shame

2010-05-19T08:30:00.004+08:00

The moment of shame at the Thomas/Uber Cup Finals was not the destruction of our players at the hands of Lin Dan & Co. The moment of shame was not the bowing out of our women's team with a zero score. The moment of shame was not even the gesture of obscenity shown by one of our doubles players after the loss to the Japanese pair (even though that incident comes close!). The moment of shame was not any of those. Do you want to know what was the moment of shame? It happened during the prize giving ceremoney of the Uber Cup:

It Was Raining in Sibu

2010-05-17T08:14:00.002+08:00

Sunday night. It was raining in Sibu. Not only was it raining at the counting centres where hundreds of people were gathered with their umbrellas (and some without), it was also raining in the heart of the candidate from Team Blue. For the past two hours, he had been staring at the figures - showing a steadily widening margin between votes for him and votes for his opponent - first with disbelief and then with sadness. Perhaps washed away by the rain (outside and inside), his signature smile during the entire campaign period was conscpicuously missing.

It was also raining in the palms of many people, especially supporters of Team Rocket, for their palms were sweating. It was not just enough to see the lead of their candidate building up, they knew the lead must exceed at least three thousand votes to be sure of victory because the votes from Kg Ilir Nangka, a traditional Team Blue stronghold, as well as 2500 postal votes - had not yet been included.

Minutes later, it was announced that Team Rocket had lost Ilir Nangka by a whopping 1300 votes! Everything now hinged on the postal votes; if Team Blue could win 80% of those, it would win the Sibu by-election albeit by a wafer thin margin. Suddenly, it was thunder-storming in the souls of Team Rocket supporters.

To make things more 'kan cheong', the projector outside the counting centre had gone off-line and updates were reduced to 'rumour mongering'. Then word got around that Team Blue had reduced Team Rocket's margin to less than 2500; that meant they needed even less than 80% of the postal votes to snatch victory from Team Rocket. There were tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth. No one could tell whether they were tears or rain on their faces of Rocket supporters. By now, most of the party leaders had made a beeline dash to the postal votes counting centre from the main counting centre.

Then the signs: top Team Blue party leaders who had gathered in droves earlier, were nowhere to be seen. Even the Deputy General Manager, in charge of the by-election campaign, had gone back to Kuala Lumpur. Only top Team Rocket leaders were visible.

At 10-58 pm, history was made. It is still raining in Sibu.

Best Gift for Mother's Day: ANSWER

2010-05-07T08:22:00.005+08:00

Here is the answer to the question "What is the Best Gift for Mother's Day?" The best gift for Mother's Day, according to Fishtail, is .....

Wait, wait! Hold a sec; it's not Sunday yet, is it? Then why is Fishtail giving away the answer now? Well, the fact of the matter is that Fishtail will be away for a few days and will not have access to the Internet this Sunday.

To get the answer this Sunday, log on to this.

Happy reading.

Best Gift For Mother's Day

2010-05-02T15:54:00.002+08:00

What do you think is the best gift for Mother's Day?

A nice cake from her favourite bakery, complete with her favourite toppings and beautifully crafted icing? Now that would be very sweet, and she'll surely appreciate that.

How about a nice steamboat dinner? That would be very nice, and if you take her to a very popular steamboat restaurant, she'll be delighted to see so many other families also celebrating Mother's Day over a steamboat dinner. Better yet, how about taking her to watch "Ip Man 2" in the afternoon before the steamboat dinner? Would that be a good Mother's Day present?

How about taking her to see Jay Chou live? Well, it's going to cost you quite a bit on that one but be sure she won't ask you "Who's Jay Chou? Can we go to see Andy Lau instead?"

How about a cruise on the Superstar Virgo? Wow, that would be really nice especially if she hasn't cruised before AND you bring enough kaki along to play mahjong with her during the cruise.

Fishtail invites readers to suggest what is the best gift for Mother's Day, and the first reader who provides the answer (that Fishtail has in mind) will win a complimentary copy of his book, "Mother-in-Law, Daughter-in-Law." All answers must be submitted before midnight Saturday 8 May, and the answer will appear on Mother's Day, Sunday 9 May.

Silly Things that Drivers Do

2010-04-26T08:02:00.003+08:00

Below is a list of six silly things that drivers do, and surprisingly, none on the list is included in the compulsory examination for getting a car driver’s license.

At position No. 6 is forgetting where one has parked the car. Here, we are not talking about parking at your neighbourhood McDonald’s or around the corner from the wet market. We are talking about one of those multi-storey car parks where every floor of the parking lot looks exactly the same as every other floor! You thought you parked next to the fire hydrant but when you got to the fire hydrant after two hours of shopping, the car there was not yours! You quickly moved one floor up (or one floor down) and again the car next to the fire hydrant was not yours. For a moment, you were hit with the alarming possibility that your car might have been stolen, but after a sweaty period of cold panic you finally found your car. You have parked it on the east side of the building and not on the west (or something like that).

At position No. 5, and very similar to not remembering where one has parked the car, is not remembering to switch off the lights when one has parked the car. Oddly, this usually happens not at night when it is easy to notice that the lights are not switched off, but at dawn or at dusk. So you park your car, lock it, and go about your business and when you return after an hour, you find that you cannot start the car because the battery is flatter than a pancake.

At position No. 4 is driving off with a book or a small packet on the roof of the car! This sounds like one of those things that only Mr Bean would do, but it does happen when the driver places one or more things on the roof of the car as he ‘organises’ himself before getting into the car.

At position No. 3 is locking the car doors with a window not fully wound up. The most common thing that results from this silly carelessness is that the driver comes back to the car hours later after a heavy shower to find a pool of water on the floor and the seat soaked like a rag.

At position No. 2 on the list of silly things that drivers do is locking the car with the key still inside the ignition! This does not just happen to elderly drivers bent with age who cannot remember whether they have had lunch or not, but to drivers of all age groups.

At the top of the list of silly things that drivers do must be driving until the car runs out of gas! How does a person actually have the ability to drive on and on without refilling the tank? Does he think the car runs on air? What is he thinking about?

Six silly things that drivers do. Me? Been there, done all that!

(The full version of this article, by the same writer, appeared in 'Times & Chimes' of The Sunday Post dated 18 April.)

Super Jumbo, the A380

2010-04-19T12:01:00.004+08:00

This beautiful baby is double-decked throughout its entire length and has 50% more floor space than the next largest airliner, the traditional and now ageing Jumbo Jet 747.

Singapore Airlines is currently the largest operator of the Airbus A380, and flies this baby daily to five cities around the world, as well as twice daily to London.

An MAS pilot seated next to me once commented that this was a plane he would "just love" to fly. Indeed, this is a plane that many senior pilots aspire to be in total control of. Our own KLIA, however, will have to do some major renovation on its aerobridges in order to enable both decks of the plane to be boarded simultaneously as otherwise it would take 2 hours just to board or deboard.

Come September, Fishtail has a confirmed seat on the A380 from Singapore to Tokyo. Please, Mr Volcano, don't spew any ash around then, please Mr Osama, don't ask your goons to hide any explosives in their underwears, and please, Mr Diplomat, don't try to smoke in the toilet and then tell the cabin crew that you're trying to light your shoes.

Faces of Stupidity

2010-04-12T08:04:00.008+08:00

Face No 1. This guy was on a flight across the US and slipped into the toilet for a smoke. When challenged by stewards, he made a sarcastic comment about trying to 'light his shoes', a reference to a 'shoe bomber' of a few years back. That thoughtless remark caused US marshals to immediately wrestle him to the ground and the scrambling of two F-16 jet fighters to escort the plane to base, not forgetting scaring everyone of the 157 passengers on board. President Obama, on Air Force One, was also alerted. That face of stupidity belonged to Mohamed Madadi, a low ranking Qatari diplomat.

Face No 2. This 19 year old kid is a fullback for Manchester United. In the match against Bayern Munich last week, he got off the blocks like a bull in a china shop and quickly earned himself a yellow card. He must have forgotten that a second yellow would kick him out, and continued charging his way around. Sure enough, he got a second yellow and was booted out. With ten men against Bayern's 11, MU conceded another goal and lost the tie. Boss Alex Ferguson blamed Bayern players for bullying this inexperienced young man, but did they? "In the time I've been here, I've learned a lot from the world class players that I train with," was what Rafael da Silva said not too long ago. Apparently he didn't learn enough, did he?

Face No 3. This low ranking deputy minister with an undisciplined tongue made a racist remark at a political event last week. After much public chiding, he came out with an apology, but only to the Chinese newspapers that reported his remark. That apology is now under fire for being insincere ("why only to the newspapers? What about to the rest of the people?"), and his political boss will surely tick him off kaw-kaw for providing free ammo to the opposition in a coming by-election.

Manchester United Led 3-0, and still got Dumped!

2010-04-08T11:37:00.003+08:00

Wonder what Alex Ferguson was thinking about when he decided to start Rooney against Bayern at Old Trafford last night.

The entire Old Trafford roared its approval when MU went ahead in just 3 minutes, what a start! Technically with that goal, they're already ahead on aggregate (2-2). Then just 4 minutes later, MU scored again, 2-0! My goodness, was Bayern getting thrashed or what (aka Barca thrashing Arsenal just 24 hours ago)? MU fans were screaming themselves hoarse and some were already making flight and hotel bookings for Madrid. Bayern was like a bull being tortured on two fronts.

On minute 22, Rooney was seen limping around (oh oh). Where was Berbatov? That guy was still on the bench! On minute 34, Rooney had a good chance of nailing Bayern but missed. But then it happened just before the break: MU scored a third goal, 3-0! Surely Bayern was finished! But just before the whistle for half time was blown, Bayern put one back in, 3-1. Suddenly, Bayern was back, but it was half time and MU was still ahead on aggregate.

Second half: Rooney was still playing, and Berb still on the bench, goodness. Had Fergie forgotten Rooney has a World Cup responsibility to fulfill? Just 5 minutes later, an MU bloke got sent off for a second yellow card. Sensing an advantage, Bayern found their second wind and hammered at the MU goal area like wolves, with Olic being most dangerous. Could MU just hold on for another 30 minutes or so? On minute 56, the heavily marked Rooney was finally replaced. 20 minutes left, Bayern was still hammering.

And then it happened. With 15 minutes left, Bayern's Robben whacked a powerful volley that beat Van der Sar completely, 3-2! MU could survive one away goal from Bayern, but this was a second. Poor Devils, unless they scored again, all their work at the first half would be for nothing. Desperately, with 10 minutes left, Fergie brought Berb and Giggs. Bayern responded by taking out their star scorer Robben and replacing him with a fresh defender.

The last 13 minutes were for MU like a convicted man tied to the post blindfolded waiting for the shots to be fired. Hoping for a miracle to happen, Old Trafford was silent. The miracle didn't happen, the executioner's axe fell, and MU was booted out. Curtains.

Release the Kracken! (Arsenal 1, Messi 4)

2010-04-07T08:09:00.002+08:00

When the god of gods Zeus shouted, "Release the Kracken!" Arsenal fans should have realized Zeus did not just mean that big ugly underwater brute at Argos; Zeus was also referring to a little Argentinian torpedo-like supernatural being in Spain.

Perhaps it was Arsenal's fault for daring to score the first goal of the match. That first goal put the tie in Arsenal's favor 3-2 and set off wild frenzied cheering of thousands of Arsenal fans. Scoring that first goal was like dropping the first bomb at Pearl Harbour. At Pearl, it awakened an American giant. But while it took the Americans at Pearl three years to hit back, in Spain last night, it took Lionel Messi only a minute to equalize.

They say that the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain (ask Prof Higgins or Eliza Doolittle). Correction; the rain in Spain also falls in the hearts of Arsenal fans, especially after it also rained goals, especially goals from just one person!

Poor Arsenal who dared faced Barca with half a dozen of their top players wounded (Fabregas, Ashavin, Gallas, Song ...) were then dismantled with such clinical precision that twelve mortally wounded bulls would have felt better than the twelve men who left the stadium after the mauling.

Pulau Tikus: "Island of Rats"

2010-04-05T08:39:00.007+08:00

In Penang, there is a place called Pulau Tikus (literally translated: 'Island of Rats'). It is, fortunately, not an island of rats on Penang island and I have no idea why this well appointed area, within walking distance from the famous Gurney Drive, has such an unattractive name.

Anyway, there is a very prominent police station on the main road of Pulau Tikus, within spitting distance of the wet market. One can hardly miss its blue and white building since it is along the bus route and in fact there is an unofficial bus stop right outside the police station. Thus, almost everyone who patronises the busy Pulau Tikus market would notice the police station.

What most people may not notice, however, is a small barber shop separated by a small lane from the police station. Probably originating out of a wooden shed, this barber shop does not even have a sign board and the only thing that helps it to be 'noticed' is that it is right next to a popular Indian stall selling newspapers. So a guy buys a copy of The Star, spots the barber shop and pops in for a haircut, catch the drift?

Last weekend, I had two additional reasons for going to that barber shop next to the police station in Pulau Tikus. The first was that it was just a block away from the best mee rebus in Penang on Bangkok Lane. The second reason was that it only cost Rm6 for a haircut in Penang, compared to Rm12 in Kuala Lumpur. So after yet another sumptuous mee rebus breakfast from Mahmud (who had taken over the business from his father, who started from a push-cart), I bought a copy of The Star and popped into the small barber shop for a haircut.

"Slope", I said to the young barber in his mid twenties ('slope' refers to the finished appearance at the back of the neck, as opposed to 'line'). After wrapping a white sheet round my neck like all barbers did, he used an electric shaver for a preliminary cut like all barbers did. But unlike all other barbers who would then use a pair of scissors and a comb for the final touches, this barber did everything with his electric shaver and in five minutes, announced he has finished, and promptly held up a mirror for me to view the final product. I looked at the mirror (I mean, I looked at the back of my head through the mirror) and almost could not recognize myself. There were cut and uncut patches on my head like a badly maintained football field, which of course was to be expected since the barber had only used his electric shaver and not the comb and scissors.

I complained to him immediately and he then did some 'repair' using the scissors and comb combo, but hardly two ticks later, he again took out his mirror as a sign of completion. I saw what was left on my head, and realized there was nothing i could do about it, at least with this bloke. I paid him his Rm6 and left, telling him I would never go back to him again. Right now, I look like one of those sioux warriors, with hair at the top of my head but bald patches above my ears.

Pulau Tikus is still a great place to go for mee rebus or for one of the best Hokkien mee in town, but not for a haircut at the barber shop next to the police station.

Where to Wait?

2010-04-01T18:57:00.002+08:00

The nearest airport from the Miami cruise centre is a place called Fort Lauderdale, or FLL in airport language (as SIN for Singapore and KUL for Kuala Lumpur). FLL is largely a domestic airport, which means on my return journey after the cruise, I have to first take a domestic flight, before connecting to an international flight out of the States. The ship docks at 7 am. Here's my problem.

Option One. Take a 2 pm domestic flight on United Airlines from FLL to Houston, then wait an hour to connect a Singapore Airline flight to SIN (and onward to KUL).

Option Two. Take a 11 am domestic flight on Delta Air from FLL to New York, then wait 4 hours for a connecting flight to SIN.

Either option requires a total waiting time of at least 8 hours. Shall I wait 7 hours in Fort Lauderdale, and one hour in Houston, or shall I wait 4 hours in FLL and another 4 in New York?

Which one shall I take?

Visa to America: Made it With 2 Minutes to Spare

2010-03-26T14:19:00.003+08:00

American Embassy, 9 am Friday.

The instructions said, "Come about 10 minutes before your appointment." My appointment was for 9-20 am, and I was there by 9. There were 20 people in front of me on the line. I got in at 9-30, had my pockets emptied, security scanned, handphone temporarily taken away, and was given a number. The waiting room was very comfortable. No Arabica coffee machine, but there was a water fountain.

The instructions said, "Bring passport, confirmation letter, bank receipt." I brought them. The 1st counter staff asked for a photograph. I didn't have one. The instruction said so, she said. I've already uploaded a digital one and it was approved, I said. You still need to bring one, she said. Listen, can you bring one back before 10-30? Believe me, it wasn't a question. She gave me a yellow slip. The time was 10-04 am.

I dashed out, walked briskly to Ampang Complex nearby, spotted 2 photo studios. Both were not yet opened for business. Found another one; but the guy said, "Machine not switched on yet, take now, come back half hour." No good. I found another one. The boss took one look at me and knew I was desperate to have a passport photograph taken. "Which embassy," he asked. "American," I said, and he knew exactly what to do. He must have made a bundle from people like me. The time was 10-12 am.

At 10-20, I dashed out to a waiting taxi. "American embassy," I panted. The driver nodded and took off. Fortunately, there was no one waiting in line - absolutely no one *miracle*! By the time I took a number, it was 10-28; I had made it with 2 minutes to spare *phew*.

There were 3 stages. First, someone checked our documents. Then someone else finger-printed us. The third person was the interviewer. All in, from No 1 to No 3, I waited 94 minutes, literally from the time the waiting hall was full to the time when the hall was empty (I was the last). The interview itself was very pleasant and took just 4 minutes:
"Why do you want to go to the States?" I'm going to take a cruise (showed cruise booking).
"How long is the cruise?" 8 days.
"Are you going alone?" Yes.
"Are you still working?" Yes (showed letter from employer)
"Do you have any relative living in the States?" No.

Her last words to me, "Congratulations, your visa is approved."

(Tip: DON'T make any back-to-back appointment, cos if you're delayed you won't be able to contact anybody as your phone would be taken from you while you're waiting.)

Interview for a Tourist Visa

2010-03-24T15:08:00.002+08:00

This Friday, I shall be having an interview at a certain embassy as part of the application for a tourist visa to a certain country far far away. The last time I got a visa from there, I was not subject to any interview, probably because that was before some people decided to crash some planes on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon. Since then, they (I mean the embassy people, not the people who crashed those planes) have been very suspicious of turban-wearing dark-skinned bearded men associated with the Taliban. There's nothing I can do about my dark skin, but I shall certainly shave off my beard and not wear a turban for the interview this Friday.

I shall also not volunteer any information about any of my previous visits to Seremban (Taliban, turban, Seremban ... catch the drift?). Fortunately too, I don't have a 'bin' in my name, so they won't think I'm a distant relative of a Mr Bin Laden.

Any tips from any readers who have gone through this interview? What sort of questions are they likely to ask? Surely they're not interested in just seeing how I look (scruffy, tattooed, bearded, etc), so what are they looking for?

The Return of Ka Ting : Pros and Cons

2010-03-16T11:29:00.004+08:00

Pros:

Provides an alternative for those who wants neither the current No 1 nor No 2, ie an interim leadership until the 'real' election next year.
In so doing, he is expected to stabilize the party and return it to a more dignified position as well as perception by the Chinese community.

Cons:

Seen as a Softie - just a Yes man - by many in the Chinese community which was one of the reasons why his party was dumped at the last General Elections.
May be interpreted as disguised support for his brother's attempt to return to power.
At the end of the day (read, at next election), may not be able to bring the two (could be three) warring parties to a peaceful closure.

Generally, there are not many successful people resurrected from retirement. Does Ka Ting ting he is Michael Schumacher?

Jumping the Red Lights and Rm9-90 Coffins

2010-03-10T15:58:00.003+08:00

With the latest trend of Malaysian drivers and motorcyclists jumping the red light these days, I am seriously considering setting up an on-line coffin business as a side income. Unlike Singapore’s Lavender Street or Ipoh’s Hume Street ‘Koon Choy Kai’ coffin shops, my coffin business will be tailored along current Internet technology and budget business acumen.

To begin with, people will be able to purchase the coffins of their choice online while they are still alive (doesn't that bring new excitement to shopping?). Customers go to the website and, in typical eBay fashion, simply click on the coffins they want, according to the prices they are comfortable with. In line with budget business practices, there will naturally be the occasional promotion periods when the prices of coffins will start at, say, RM9.90. Administrative charges will be waived. We will pay double the difference if customers can find a cheaper coffin of the same make from our competitors.

We will also have 'Ops Sikap' promo at least two if not three times a year when there will be an anticipated 200 deaths on the road within a two-week period. Our marketing department will come up with suitable offers during such periods, such as ‘buy two get one free’, to be specially addressed to groups of people who cramp seven of themselves inside a Kancil or 13 in an MPV when they travel long distances. In addition, we will also have 'Jump the Red Lights' offers, and tell motorcylists who intend to jump the red lights not to “leave home without booking one”.

Now at RM9.90, the coffin will be very basic; perhaps just a rectangular box put together using four pieces of plywood. This range of coffins will be for the very low income folks, see? Those who prefer a more stylish Dracula-type diamond-shaped coffin would not be disappointed either. Also, we will not forget the Size XXL ones for the obese.

There will be a number of add-on’s for customers. For starters, one could ask for a little viewing glass window on the top cover of the coffin; just click ‘Viewing Window’ and you have it. Velvet lining on the inside of the coffin could also be booked online with just another simple click. Favour a little pillow for your head inside your coffin? Just click ‘Pillow’. Unlike RM9.90 coffins that do not come with any wood-finishing, another click on the ‘Add-On’ menu will fetch you a coffin with a smart mahogany polish, like the Petrof piano in your hall.

Notice how Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s are so successful with their concept of combo meals? Well, for customers who cannot decide, we will also offer a variety of combo versions. Thus, Combo A will have a viewing window and pillow, Combo B will have velvet lining and mahogany finish, and Combo C something else, and so on. Catch the drift?

For red light promos, we will throw in a discount voucher for the next purchase. These days when times are hard, folks usually like to look for value buys. Thus, red light jumpers will have a 50% discount on their second buy. Fair?

There would be some traditional Chinese customers who prefer those huge nineteenth century teak coffins (the type that you see in Wong Fei Hoong movies). Naturally that won’t be easy, especially when one of those giants requires at least 10 Godzilla-sized humans to lift. However, business is business and we will still promise to deliver those platinum-class boxes. Remind me to talk to Pos Laju on a partnership arrangement.

Coffins for different ethnic communities differ from one another in one or more of many ways. Not to worry; in line with the 1Malaysia concept, we will offer a standard variety called 1Coffin. To encourage customers to buy this edition, we are thinking of slashing 30 per cent off every second purchase of 1Coffin.

Do we have a tag-line yet for this up-coming lucrative business? Most certainly: ‘Now Everyone Can Die’.

(The original version of this article first appeared in The Borneo Post, dated 7 March 2010)

Losing My Pants at Singapore Airport

2010-03-02T16:25:00.003+08:00

No offence to Tiger Air, but flying with them from Singapore to K Lumpur was a tactical error because they depart from Singapore's budget terminal (where there is no lounge for a free meal and some pampering) and land in KL's LCCT where the lounge is only for departing passengers.

After going through Singapore immigration, I noticed something odd as all departing passengers were ushered to a separate corner of the hall before being permitted to proceed to the bag scanning machines. At a separate corner of the hall, all passengers were required to place their hand luggages on an electronic weighing machine, and any passenger with a hand luggage weighing above 7 kg would be invited to "repack, thrash, or pay $18". They even provided a table for people to repack. Of the 5 passengers before me, 3 had over 7 kg of luggage, of which 1 decided to repack while the other 2 paid $18 to proceed.

When my turn came, I gently placed my trolley bag on the machine and the figure "8.40 kg" popped up. "Repack, thrash or pay $18" came the polite invitation. I decided to repack. There was no way I was going to pay $18 (read, Rm45) without a fight, no sir!

I removed an old pair of pants and a pair of knee length shorts from my bag, telling myself I could buy new ones from the pasar malam for less than Rm45. Then I removed a coin purse and put it inside my pocket, and did the same for a bunch of house keys. Now what else could I remove from the bag? Yes, there was my diary that I had brought along, and I stuffed that inside my pocket as well, by which time my pants were bulging with stuffs stuffed inside the pockets.

I neatly folded the two items of clothings that I had taken out, tucked them under my arm, and tried my luck again at the weighing machine. "6.90 kg"!! I could hardly believe my luck. Better yet, the officer in-charge must have thought that the two pants tucked under my arm was a small jacket and let me go. Actually, what happened was that the girl immediately in front of me had two items of luggage and tried to pass them off by weighing them one at a time, but was 'caught' by the officer. So with his attention partially directed at the girl, he waved me pass. When I was out of sight of those guys, I discreetly replaced all the stuffs that I had taken out back into my trolley bag and headed to the scanners without much further ado.

So readers, be sure your hand luggage is really below 7 kg, or lose your pants.

Casino Opens at 12.18; Red Shirt at 11.16 am

2010-02-17T14:17:00.004+08:00

I am no casino geek, but I did want to be part of Singapore's history; which was why I went for the opening of her very first casino at Sentosa Island on the first day of CNY that took place by design at precisely 12-18 pm.

The bus journey to Vivocity was a breeze but the monorail journey from there to Sentosa was a squeeze. Waiting in line to board the monorail took 38 minutes. 8 lions (of which one did the pole jumping and even a helicopter swing!) performed on stage before a selected audience while popcorn, ice-creams and mineral water were distributed freely to people outside. People were divided into two lines: Singaporeans had to buy tickets at $100 while non-S simply showed their passports.

At exactly 18 minutes past twelve, fireworks, drums, gongs and anything that could make noise (including an emcee doing a 3-2-1... countdown on the p.a.) were let off when the doors to the casino were swung open. Each visitor was given a door gift which included a cake in the shape of a prosperity fish and a voucher for $10 worth of chips.

Rows and rows of gaming tables with well groomed croupiers, slots, an impressive centre piece, thick carpets, security personnels, drinks girls, everything that a first class casino would have was there. Numbers 8 and 6 were displayed everywhere. For the fun of it (and making use of the free chips), i played two rounds of Tai-Sai (Big or Small) and walked away $25 richer. Mission accomplished.

The next day, the 8-6 number thing must be still inside me, for I found myself putting on my brand new red t-shirt at exactly 11-16 am.

The Missing Parable in the Gospel of St Luke

2010-02-10T08:13:00.004+08:00

St Luke wrote a powerful set of 3 parables, all with the common theme of lost and found. The first parable: “A shepherd had 100 sheep, and one got away…” The second: “A woman had ten coins and one rolled away…” The third: “A man had two sons and one went away…” Actually there was a fourth parable that began with, “A political party had a daughter and she went away…”

The lost (4th) parable had very similar lines with the third parable. While the 3rd reads, “The son took his father’s money and spent lavishly on wine, women and song”, the 4th reads, “The daughter took her godfather’s money and spent lavishly on a gold colored Mercedes, LCD television, expensive furniture, designer clothes and overseas holidays.” The 3rd reads, “The son spent all his father’s money and became pok-kai.” The 4th reads, “The daughter spent her godfather’s money but did not become pok-kai because she also placed her cash on Fixed Deposits and unit trusts.”

The 3rd parable had an element of jealousy when the elder brother demanded of his father, “How come I never got a fatted calf?!” The 4th had some people demanding the boss, “How come we never got a Mercedes?!” Here is where the 3rd parable differs slightly from the 4th because in the 3rd, the father replied, “Son, you have everything that I have” but in the 4th, the boss said, “Don’t worry, you’ll all get your share of lucrative contracts.”

All first 3 parables finished with, “and there was much rejoicing.” The missing parable also had, “and there was much rejoicing” but that rejoicing was at the opposite camp. All first 3 parables had the lost item being returned; the 4th had the lost item turning into a frog that hopped away and never returned which perhaps explained why it was never cannonized.

Wonder whether the Pakatan people do Bible studies, because someone might unearth yet another missing parable from St Luke’s gospel, that begins with, “The Opposition had several MPs, and they went away…”

Thank You, Nasir Safar, Thank You!!

2010-02-03T11:47:00.005+08:00

This must be exactly what DAP, PKR, PAS leaders are saying now over their morning nasi lemak, their afternoon econ rice, and their evening buah petai. At a time when some wayward Pakatan pea-brain nitwits (aka the two Z: Zulkifli and Zahrain) tried to be heroes and rocked the boat while BN people clapped their hands with glee, came somebody who not only rocked a whole marina of yachts but caused a tidal wave of the unwelcome kind. There is a saying, if your boat is struggling in rough water, the best thing to happen is for your opponent's boat to be hit by lightning.

With a gaping hole between his front teeth and needing serious orthodontic attention, that man looked like one of those socks sellers, the type that wears a smelly t-shirt and puts up an unlicensed stall outside Pudu Raya bus terminal. One wonders how he got to be an aide to a Prime Minister, but never mind that.

He was giving an elite audience a lesson on Malaysian history, and since the 1Malaysia seminar took place in Melaka, it would have been a gem if he had talked about how Paramewara came to Melaka, etc. Instead, he decided to fast-forward to the coming of the Chinese and the Indians to the country, which of course was still okay. But then he noticed a yawning sign of boredom among his audience of 2000 professional men and women, and decided to fire them up with his long-rehearsed sizzler.

The Indians, he said, came to this country as "beggars" (translated from the original speech in BM), articulating his words carefully so that they would not be misheard or misunderstood. As no shoe was thrown at him, he dropped his second bomb. The Chinese women, he said, came to sell their bodies (actual words used: "jual tubuh"). Still no shoes. Feeling like a war veteran speaking to officer cadets, he dropped a third bomb. The Indians are too much, he boomed over the p.a. system, but we can revoke their citizenship anytime!

Zap! There's the lightning.

That incident happened yesterday. Today, DAP and PKR are already duplicating that speech several hundred copies, to be played at the next election. MIC has already asked for that toothy moron to be punished, but many people are waiting for the MCA and the Gerakan to say something.

(Private Universities and Colleges are strongly advised to give this guy a miss now that he is out of job and may be applying to be a lecturer in Malaysian Studies.)

Glad I'm Not An Old Woman

2010-01-26T10:52:00.003+08:00

I'm glad I'm not an old woman, I tell you. If I were an old woman, each time I take the bus or go to the market, two younger women may approach me and ask me for directions to go to a temple or something. Why temple? That's to make me think they're religious. Then on the way, they will tell me that a ghost is stalking me.

Got ghost coming after me, meh?
Got! And you're going to die in 3 days.
Aiyah, but I don't want to die in 3 days; I want to celebrate Chinese New Year first.
Cannot, because that ghost is pregnant.
What!? Pregnant ghost? How she became ... ?
Never mind how. See, you lips are turning blue already. The spell is working.
No lah please, I don't want to die in 3 days!
Ah, but luckily we know someone in the temple who can cleanse you and chase the ghost away.
Wah, got ah? He can save me ah? How much he charge?
No charge, free!
Free ah? Wah, I'm so luck I met you lor.
Yes yes; you got 'yuen' (fate). But he just needs to borrow some money to be used in the cleansing. After that, will give you back.
My money?
Yes, your money and your jewellery. No need to take your daughters' jewellery or your husband's savings.
No need ah?
No need, cos today got special offer; so just bring your savings and your gold. Don't worry, after the cleansing, we give you back everything.
Give back everything ah?
Ya, you get back everything.

And am I glad I also don't know any bomoh. Otherwise he might ask me to put my money inside a coffin for three years.

It's Hard Being An Arsonist

2010-01-21T09:51:00.004+08:00

Getting the petrol was not a problem; we just drove to the nearest petrol station and pretended we needed it for our friend's vehicle that had run out of gas. Filling the petrol into empty mineral water plastic bottles was also not a problem, although it left a helluva smell on our baju. That took a bit of time too because we wanted to have at least one bottle of petrol bomb each for the 8 of us.

Deciding on the building to torch was done the previous night, when we did our recce. We soon found one where there was no jaga and whose main doors were within throwing distance from the road.

The problem, however, was that we did not wear any non-inflammable baju like those worn by firemen. How were we to know that the spillage of the petrol on our clothes would also catch fire when the petrol bombs exploded at the building? And when our clothes caught fire, we could not take them off in time, and two of our members got their hands and chest burnt *dang!* Worse, one of us got facial burns as well and now he looks like Dracula's half brother.

We went home and quickly applied some balm on our wounds but no one told us that the balm was way off its expiry date (we also didn't check lah)! So the wounds got worse the next day, and two of us went to hospital for treatment. That dude with the chest burns had to be warded pulak, so we left him there. The trouble was, he took his handphone to hospital with him, and when the cops got to him, they also got his phone with all our numbers in it (damn! damn! damn!).

It's hard being an arsonist; I should have stuck to being a Mat Rempit instead.

(from Bukit Aman Police Lock-up)

The Langkawi Island Ferry Terminal

2010-01-15T11:38:00.002+08:00

The architect who designed Langkawi's ferry terminal did a good job: the waiting hall is huge, it faces the sea via almost an entire row of glass doors thus allowing a continuous flow of naturally sea breeze to ventilate the hall, the male and female toilets are at both ends of the hall and away from the main entrances, and there is a huge electronics signboard designed to show information on arrivals and departures.

The management of the ferry terminal, however, has completely undone what the architect had in mind: all (not just one or two, but ALL) the glass doors facing the sea are closed and locked thus blocking any natural fresh air from the sea, one or two stand-fans are provided for the purpose of ventilation but they are often moved around by passengers, both toilets are flooded and have urinals or cubicles that are broken or non-functional, there are not enough chairs for passengers waiting to board the ferries, and of course, the high-tech electronics board does not work ('first world technology, third world maintenance'). The p.a. system does not work and any announcements on boarding or delays are simply shouted out by somebody. With the large number of people waiting for ferries and the poorly maintained facilities, the place resembles a refugee centre, especially on Sunday afternoons (when most people would be leaving Langkawi). That, by the way, is the impression that international tourists take back to their countries.

Tourism Minister Ng Yen Yen visited the ferry terminal this week and really had a sense of humour when she said "... the toilets could be improved to make them on par with international standards."

What an understatement. The toilets - in fact, all the facilities at the waiting hall of the ferry terminal - are not even on par with Kuala Lumpur's Puduraya bus terminal, or Port Klang main ferry terminal, or Ipoh's Medan Gopeng bus terminal, let alone talk about international standards.

Do yourselves a favour, readers. If you go to Langkawi, it's okay to take the ferry TO the island (you will by-pass the waiting area for departing passengers) but be sure to save yourself the torture of going through the refugee centre class ferry terminal by flying out.

The Magician at the Pool

2010-01-07T13:44:00.002+08:00

We were all standing or sitting by the pool on the Superstar Virgo. The magician invited six people to examine a huge piece of chain and 4 padlocks, and then got the six to place the chain like a huge cobra over his neck, round his legs, wrists and arms, before shackling his ankles. The 4 padlocks were then used to lock the chain (now wrapped around him like he were Osama himself), at strategic positions. Now I was one of the six, and I examined the chain. It was so heavy that I would get hernia just to lift the darn thing. Next, he invited 2 members of the audience to examine him for hidden keys. Somebody came up and did a casual body-pad.

Then he took a deep breath and dropped into the pool; chain, shackle, locks and all. Someone then started timing him on the p.a. system, "10 seconds ... 20 seconds .. a minute .. a minute 10 seconds ..." We could not see him clearly because of the little jets of water from the poolsides, but we could make out that he was wriggling. At exactly 2 minutes, he emerged from the water, freed from the chains and locks.

How did he do it? Did an accomplice pre-place a key at the bottom of the pool that we could not see because of the ripples in the water? Did he hide a key in his clothes?

Someone please tell me.

Report Card

2009-12-30T12:04:00.003+08:00

“… and we are pleased to announce that as a token of appreciation of your contribution to the growth of the Company …”

No no, this is not that type of report card. Let’s start with the good news.

For the fifth year in a row, Fishtail did not have to visit a doctor’s clinic and that’s very good news considering he was around when ice-balls were sold at 5 cents in school. The same though, cannot be said about visits to the dental clinic. Blood pressure and cholesterol remain within ‘safe’ figures.
While most of his former classmates have long retired (some even expired *sigh*), Fishtail continues to be gainfully employed. One college (his ‘anchor tenant’) has shown no sign of giving him the pink slip yet, and his other college has even asked if he could give them more hours.
Holidays taken over the year 2009 included Melbourne, Hongkong, and a cruise.
Discovery of the Year: the Premium Plaza Lounge in both KLIA and Changi airport.

On the cards for 2010:
Another Starcruise is on in January but the Mother of All Cruises is slotted for September when Fishtail boards the Oasis of the Seas in Florida. To cap that, Fishtail shall be flying onboard Singapore Airlines’ Airbus A380, biggest passenger jetliner in the world (note the double-deck throughout the length of the plane) en route to taking the biggest cruise ship in the world *woo hoo!*. Someone please tell Osama b Laden’s boys not to try hiding anymore explosives in their underwears this September.

Malaysian Airlines Golden Lounge

2009-12-23T12:20:00.003+08:00

When I asked Alwyn what he thought of the Malaysian Airlines Golden Lounge for Business Class passengers, he summarized it with the recommendation, "Go there 3 hours before your flight." Suspecting that he was not a hundred percent serious, I didn't take him literally and went to the lounge 2 hours and 50 minutes before my flight instead.

Those boys at MAS Psychology School did a good job at creating first impressions. One is greeted by an elegantly decorated welcoming counter decked in gold, before entering a spacious area with an impressive buffet spread with a generous breakfast menu that included several kinds of sandwiches, juices, fruits and such. A fridge was well stocked with fresh milk and canned drinks. It was 10-30 am and there were about twelve other people, not including half a dozen staff members.

I selected some salmon sandwiches, a glass of soya bean and hot coffee and chose a seat by the huge glass windows, to watch planes taxi in and out with childlike awe. A few minutes later, I noticed two things of interest. One was a computer with free internet connections, and the other was a little notice that said a lunch menu would be available from 11 am.

My next 45 minutes were spent at the computer with more than one round of sandwiches, by the end of which I decided to check out their lunch menu. They served 4 types of noodles, from which I chose their Vietnamese beef noodle soup. Here, I would recommend that the Indian lady doing the Vietnamese noodles be sent to Hanoi for a crash course because what she did for me did not remotely resemble anything Vietnamese; not even on the same postcode. I ended up zooming in on the dragon fruits instead.

So I've had my breakfast, my lunch, and read both the Sun and the Star newspapers; and still had an hour to go. Then I noticed a third thing of interest: a massage chair sitting idly by the corner. I buried myself in its seat and hit all the buttons for a whole range of works, and let it do its work on my back, shoulders, neck and legs. By the time I had a complete work-over Osim-style, it was time to make my way to the boarding gate.

When the air stewardess asked me 30,000 feet above sea level whether I would like some sandwiches, I nodded a yes expecting the same sort of sandwiches that I just had. To my golden delight, they were different.

Well done, MAS.

Judge Not A Present by its Wrapping

2009-12-16T19:08:00.007+08:00

It was an end-of-the-year type of staff gathering over a pot-luck dinner. Staffs were told to bring along a gift costing not less than RM5 each, for the usual gift exchange. Instead of using the conventional gift wrappers, he decided to use something different. He decided to use a college flyer as a wrapper to wrap his gift. With all the other gifts, his flatly wrapped present was placed on a table by the corner.

During the gift exchange, there were lots of excitement as people came forward to be handed a gift. One could tell from the shape of the packages that they were a box of chocolates, a mug, a pencil holder, a plastic water container, etc. When more than half of the colourful packages were handed out, the person handing out the gifts spotted the simple, flat package wrapped with a college flyer. He laughed and showed it to the others, who also laughed. Some comments were heard: "cheapskate", "college calendar", and such like. Someone even took a picture of that with his camera, possibly to show others later what a cheapskate person we had in our midst. The flat package was then placed behind all the other gifts to be handed last, to the 'unlucky' last person.

The contributor of the present then stepped forward, and asked specifically to be given that flat package. He could not bear to see his gift being treated like a nobody's child, and decided to take it back.

On the way out, he met a group of Administrative staff comparing their gifts. There was a box of chocolates, a plastic pencil holder, a pocket sized teddy bear, a hand towel, and such like. Someone then spotted the flat package in his hand. "Oh, you got back your own present?" asked a girl (who had earlier seen him wrapping the present). "No," he said, "I took back my own present because nobody else wanted it." "In that case," said the girl, "may I have that? I have always wanted to have that."

He looked at her, slightly taken aback by what she just said. "Really? Ok, you can have it. Here, it's yours." He handed the simple flat package to her. She was delighted. "May I open it now?" "Sure, go ahead."

She opened the flat package wrapped with a college flyer, took out what was many others thought was a college calendar that had just been distributed free and showed it to the others, beaming. "See? It's his book."

Oh Dear, Oh Yes! Oh No!

2009-12-09T08:09:00.006+08:00

Oh dear. Nobody else was supposed to know until he crashed into a tree and a hydrant. Then a few days after that infamous accident, so many kinds of stories appeared out of the woods that Crouching Tiger Hidden Birdies is going to be the next Hollywood top-seller for the near future.

Oh dear. Prof Khoo Kay Kim made a statement about the product of Chinese schools being students who merely memorize stuffs as opposed to those who study to understand them. Today, this emeritus professor and once well-respected academician is under fire from Chinese school proponents who even challenge him to a public debate.

Oh dear. Anwar Ibrahim's appeal to the Court of Appeal was thrown out because the documents were not files in the national language. Oh dear, oh dear. Wonder why the clerk accepted them in the first place.

Oh yes! The feet of Old Horse ('Ma') may not be as speedy as they used to be but he's certainly not any worse where his mouth is concerned. When political leaders (including government ones) are asking for a revamp of the BTN syllabus, Old Ma said it was not necessary, that it was good and all that. In response, a minister (from the same political party) whacked him good and proper and blatantly branded him a racist, oh Yes! Many people are of the opinion that this Old Ma should just keep quiet and stay retired.

Oh Stupid! TV3 aired the movie "Exorcist III" last Saturday night. Nothing wrong with that. But TV3 tagged it as part of their Christmas season celebration movies, how stupid. What's next? "2012" as a New Year celebration movie?

Oh no! Now the DPM says MCA should have fresh elections as soon as possible. Don't know where he got that enlightenment from; it was certainly not from his boss the PM cos the PM never said so. Don't know what the MCA is going to do next, but if the party holds elections 'as soon as possible' because the DPM said so, that will be the end of the party.

Any other "Oh No"s from readers?

".. the final decision will rest with the PM."

2009-12-02T08:16:00.003+08:00

Did you get that? That is a loaded statement: "... the final decision will rest with the PM" (as reported in the English dailies yesterday). The warring parties could not agree. They have been at loggerheads for months. Team A proposed a certain formula but Team B has a different formula. Both are from the same party: MCA. No wait, let me rephrase: both are leaders from the same party, MCA.

Now we have the situation where leaders from the same party cannot agree. So what happens? Someone from outside the party has to come in to make a 'final' decision. No doubt that someone is the PM, but he is not from the MCA.

The PM says that the dispute within the MCA must be resolved quickly in order for the party to continue getting the confidence and support of the Chinese. Of course he is right. But it would be counter-productive if the dispute has to be solved by someone outside the party. In fact, it would even be worse, because the perception is that the leaders of the party cannot solve their own problems and need someone outside to find them a solution. Think that will bring back the 'confidence and support' of the Chinese to the MCA?

Purleeeze.

MAS Golden Lounges and CIMB Preferred Lounges

2009-11-26T20:19:00.005+08:00

The wonderful thing about flying Business Class on Malaysia Airlines is that you can enjoy a 5-star meal at any of their Golden Lounges (KLIA, Singapore Changi, etc) prior to your departure. There is no time limit, meaning if you have an evening flight at 8 pm, you could go to the lounge at 11 am, have a sumptuous lunch, sit there and surf the Net till 6 pm and have your dinner at the same place before boarding your 8 pm flight. All you need to show is your Business Class (of course, First Class too) boarding pass.

Ah, but there is a caveat. Did you catch it when I mentioned 'boarding pass'? The Golden Lounge is only for departing passengers. Arriving passengers are not included on their list.

Here is where the MAS Golden Lounges differ from the CIMB Preferred Lounges. There are also lounges for CIMB Preferred members in many airports around the world (called Premium Towers), and the delightful thing about them is that BOTH departing and arriving passengers are welcome!

Now, do you know what that means? That means you can have a sumptuous lunch at the KLIA CIMB Preferred lounge, fly into Singapore and have another wonderful meal in Changi! All with compliments from CIMB.

No wonder then that Fishtail, after arriving in Singapore at 7 pm today, is still in Changi Airport at 8-30 pm.

Three Apologies

2009-11-22T20:57:00.002+08:00

Australia's Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, apologized recently to hundreds of people who were forcibly shipped to Australia from England when they were children. They were taken from their families and placed in institutions in Australia where many of them were subsequently physically and emotionally abused. Those kids, now in their 60s and 70s, were made to believe that their parents were dead, and were part of a plan to clear orphanages in England after World War II.

Henry, Captain of France's World Cup football team, used his hand to instrument a goal against Ireland, resulting in Ireland being kicked out of the World Cup qualifications. A day after the "Hand of God" goal, Henry apologized to all the Irish people in public. Looks like Irish eyes won't be smiling very much at the World Cup Finals next year.

Chin Peng finally apologized for the role of the Communist Party in the killing of hundreds of innocent people (mainly Chinese) during the 1948-1960 insurgency. That was his first apology after more than half a century. Perhaps the most poignant response was from a reader who wrote: "Chin Peng, you said you want to come back to Sitiawan to visit your father's grave. Can you tell me where is my father's grave?"

Three apologies; all too late, too little.

The Mother of All Cruises

2009-11-15T18:37:00.005+08:00

From the front, she looks like a Reject-Shop sardine can. From the side, she looks like a beached whale that has lost her way.

But this huge lady has not lost her way. On the contrary, she has just found her way home: Florida. Describing her as a whale is an understatement; she is FIVE times bigger than the Titanic and almost 3 times bigger than the Superstar Virgo. And yes, she's also bigger than the Queen Mary II.

We are talking about the biggest cruise ship ever built: the Oasis of the Seas. This ship is unlikely to come to our waters. A cruise on it would be the Mother of All Cruises, something to be remembered for a very long time.

Come September, Fishtail is going to be on it ... yippee!!

The Unkindest Cut Of All

2009-11-09T17:36:00.004+08:00

Thirty years ago, Mr & Mrs Average Wage Earner (AWE) took a loan to buy themselves a double-storey link house, paying a modest down-payment to keep the loan amount to a minimum. The average double storey house then was about Rm70-000. There, they raised their kids.

Twenty years later, they managed to pay up the loan and continued to stay in their house. With the monthly instalment done away with, Mr & Mrs AWE were able to put in some modest renovations to their house, such as extending the kitchen, adding an extra water tank, replacing the faucets, etc.

Today, their kids have families of their own and have started paying a modest condo of their own. (Unlike their parents, young working adults nowadays prefer to buy condos.) Thus, with their nest emptied and facing retirement, Mr & Mrs AWE are seriously considering selling their house that they have lived in for 30 years, to buy themselves a 3-room condo as well. After all, they no longer need a 5 room house and all the cleaning needs that come with it. By their calculations, they could get about Rm450-000 for their house from which they could buy a comfortable condo for about Rm230-000, leaving them spare cash for their twilight years.

But ... with the latest Real Property Gain Tax (RPGT) wef 1 January 2010, they would have to pay a 5% tax on their declared profit, or 5% of Rm220-000, or Rm11,000-00. They would have to pay this tax regardless of the number of years they have held the property (unlike the earlier version of the RPGT that stopped at 6 years). That means this elderly couple would have Rm11k less to spend in their old age. To people like them, 11k is a huge amount of money to have to give away as tax.

Now why would a caring government that cares for its citizens do such a cruel thing to elderly people like Mr & Mrs AWE?

The Seventh Turn-Around

2009-11-04T13:08:00.004+08:00

Turn-Around No 1. Before the 10-10 EGM, Ong said he would step down even if he lost by one vote. After the EGM and having lost Resolution No 1 by many votes, he refused to step down.

Turn-Around No 2. When Ong gave instructions for a fresh EGM after that 10-10 EGM, many delegates said it was unnecessary. Days later, they insisted that a second EGM was absolutely necessary.

Turn-Around No 3. After a whole year of anger and mud-slinging, Ong and Chua then turned around to each other and shook hands over a Unity Plan. That was a good Turn-Around (nobody said all Turn-Arounds are bad).

Turn-Around No 4. The ROS had said they would 'not interfere'. Yesterday, they did a turn-around and declared Chua the rightful No 2. This Turn-Around immediately got Liow into the history books as the shortest serving Deputy in the history of the Party, something he probably would not want his grandkids to read about.

Turn-Around No 5. Four delegates including a serving Deputy Minister were on their way to a big meeting on Tuesday when they received news that they had all been sacked. They had no choice but to turn their cars around (maybe go yam-char at a kopitiam).

Turn-Around No 6. Ong, who gave instructions for a fresh EGM, now said that was not necessary any more.

Many people say seven is a complete number. We already have 6; what do you think would be Turn-Around No 7?

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

2009-11-01T20:30:00.002+08:00

Dumb: MCA 'clash of the titans' going through one EGM after another.

Dumber: New policy (Budget 2009) to have mandatory inspection for all cars more than 15 years old before renewal of road tax. (Everyone knows this is a disguised move to get people to buy new cars.)

Dumbest: Proposed service tax of Rm50 on each credit card, on the excuse of 'prudent spending'.

Malaysia Airlines' Preflight Services that Other Even Airlines Talk About

2009-10-26T14:14:00.005+08:00

Mr Mohd Hamzani Hamran, Senior Reservations Officer of Malaysia Airlines, seriously needs to attend night classes in Communications Skills. On Friday 23 Oct, he sent me a short e-mail as follows:

PLEASE BE INFORMED YOUR NEW FLIGHT TIMING AS BELOW

MH1161/25OCT PENANG TO KUALA LUMPUR DEPARTURE AT 2000PM ARRIVE 2100PM

I checked my confirmation note. My flight was MH1155, not MH1161. So why did he tell me about MH1161's new flight timing? I called the toll-free number and asked that question. The man said, "Hold on, sir." A few moments later, he said my flight MH1155 had been cancelled "for technical reasons" and they had put me on MH1161. You got to give it to these guys; they could tell 2 days in advance that their plane was going to have technical problems.

"Leaving Penang at 8 pm is too late for me; can you put me on the 4 pm flight?"
"Hold on, sir." Then, "sorry sir, that flight is full. But we can put you on the 10 am morning flight if you wish." I said that was too early. When he said sorry, I used the magic word. "Firefly! Then put me on Firefly; there's one leaving at 4 pm."

"Sorry sir, that's full."
"That's not full. I have it on my screen and it's still selling." (In other words, don't try to bluff me, dude.)
"Sorry sir, we can't do that unless all the MAS flights are full."
Did you get that? That meant even if there are still seats left on the midnight flight, they will put me on the midnight flight and not on any alternative Firefly flights.
"No, I was put on Firefly 3 weeks ago when my MAS flight was cancelled."
Hold on, sir.

Can you give me your booking number of 3 weeks ago?
No, that was 3 weeks ago and I've thrown away my confirmatory note.
Hold on, sir.

We can only put you on Firefly if it is a Series 9 flight. That means it's coach sharing with MAS, and ...
Hey wait wait! Don't give me all these technical stuffs. You cancel my flight, your alternative flight is either too late or too early and that's not acceptable, so just put me on Firefly like what happened 3 weeks ago.
Hold on, sir.

Finally, Mr Hold On Sir came back on the line and said everything was ok, "You are now on Firefly FY2089 departing 4-10 pm. Just check in with the same booking number one hour before departure." Wow, I was soooooo happy. I even envisaged myself taking not one but two muffins from the Firefly air-hostess.

Then you know what happened? On Sunday, I confidently went to the Firefly counter in Penang and this was what the ground stewardess told me:
"Sorry sir, we can't issue you a boarding pass."
"Whaaaat!! Why not? The MAS guy said everything was alright and see, you even have my name on your system."
"There is a payment problem, sir."
"Can't be. I've paid MAS. Here, this is the proof ..."
"You see, sir; you have paid MAS but MAS has not paid us. So we can't issue you a boarding pass."

Believe me, readers, you can always depend on MAS for pre-flight services that even other airlines talk about.