The Real Ah Longs and the Imitation Ah Longs

Ah Long was visibly upset over all the bad press reports on his kind: “Dead Line For Ah Long”, “No Mercy to Ah Long”, etc etc.
“This is not the way we work,” he said softly, shaking his head.
“What do you mean,” I asked.
“We have a code … all Ah Longs have a code. We don’t hurt children, old people, and pregnant women.”
“Oh, really?” there was a tinge of sarcasm in my voice.
“Yes, and we are decent people. Look, I have been in this business for more than 20 years. I have helped money people, especially those who can’t borrow money from the banks. Everyone in this town (a small town in a northern State of Malaysia) knows me. They don’t hate me. Why? Because I don’t hurt people.”

I looked at him. He was dressed in a jacket, just like a ‘tai ko’ in a Hong Kong gangster movie, but he wasn’t chewing a cigar; just a cigarette. He wore a conspicuous gold chain around his neck and a huge jade ring on his left hand third finger.

“I lend money to people and I want to make it a win-win situation. If that guy needs time to pay up, I give him time. Because I really want him to pay me back.”
“What happens if he can’t pay you back?”
“I give him time to pay me back. I gain nothing if I don’t get my money back.”
I can see his point.
“Actually I don’t lend people huge sums of money unless he is someone I know and I can trust to give me back the money. What’s the point of lending him so much money if I doubt he can pay me back? You think I am so stupid?”

Although he is big, built like a bus, I don’t see him going around crushing people’s knuckles or smashing people's knees for not paying back.

“Then what about all these reports about Ah Longs hammering people and driving people to suicides?” I asked.
“Those are not the real Ah Longs. Those are the imitation Ah Longs,” he said simply, “we, the real Ah Longs, do not go around beating people up.”
“What about all those red paints on people’s house doors?”
“As I said, those are the rogue Ah Longs. They are the ones who spoil the image for us. Why don’t you ask around town, and see if anyone has been beaten by me or by my instructions?”
Ask around town? I didn’t think I wanted to do that.

“Then what about all those stickers on the lamp-posts and bus-stops advertising your services?”
“Again, the real Ah Longs don’t do that. We have no need to do that because people know us already and they know how to contact us if they need us. The ones who put up those stickers on walls and lamp-posts are the cheapskate Ah Longs desperate for business. They will do anything to make their money. But not us. We are not desperate like that.”
“You are not?”
“No, because we already have our regular cliental, our regular borrowers, and we certainly don’t plaster the walls with our cards.”

I actually found myself believing him. I wonder whether I should borrow some money from him for my next holidays.

When Swine Flu Meets Bird Flu ... it's Bufflullo Flu

When the A(H1N1) virus was first detected in its infant stage in China, the country took very drastic measures against travellers from Mexico; more drastic than any other country. Know why? Read on.

I wore a mask to take the LRT this morning, expecting lots of other commuters to be doing the same thing. Was I surprised: nobody in my carriage wore any mask even though the carriage was packed aka sardines. In fact, people even avoided sitting next to me - thinking that I was a sick gizzard - not knowing that it was because I did not want to be a sick gizzard that I wore the mask.

Although the A(H1N1) thing is bad, it's still not at its worst yet. You know when it will be at its worst? When it spreads all the way to China in full force and meets Bird Flu. Then, Swine Flu mutates with Bird Flu to form ... Bufflullo (a mutant of 'Buffalo') Flu!

That's when we are likely to get 1,000 fatalities a day worldwide!

I Smell Gas (Cat-Mountain-King, Part 2)

Following up from where I left off (previous post), I dashed to the night market after my evening class last night to look for Ah Heng, my durian seller, (whom I had called up earlier to book a Mao-San-Wong durian). He was relieved to see me.

Did you keep one for me?
Yes. I was afraid you would not turn up.
What did you keep for me?
The 'Cat'! Here ...

From one of his boxes, he retrieved the Cat. My first reaction was that it was huge. He placed it on his weighing machine and the pointer swung to 2.7 kg. I silently worked out the price of that one fruit at Rm24 per kg and tried not to show my panic.

Wow, it's very big!
Never mind; if cannot finish, can always ta-pau back.

He sliced it open and I started the finger-licking good procedure (and I'm not talking about KFC here). It was good, I tell you ... the flesh was yellow and it tasted exactly how a bitter durian should taste: with a tinge of brandy and all. It's not called the King of the Fruits for nothing.

After consuming half the fruit, I decided to pull the brakes. At that point, to stuff the rest of the Cat down would be an overkill. Driving back with the rest of it packed in a styrobox, i wondered where I would store it overnight. I toyed with the idea of wrapping the box in 2 layers of plastic and placing it in my housemate's fridge, but decided against it. I also decided not to put it in my room, so the only other option was to simply leave it in the car and consume it early the next morning.

This morning, on my way to college, I stopped by a nearby garden and finished off the Cat. As breakfast, the Mao-San-Wong beat my usual mee goreng kosong or nasi lemak anytime. Ten minutes later, I was inside the staffroom. It was still early (7-30 am) and Elan was the only other person in. Elan is my colleague who has just come back from America and having stayed in America for the past 3 years, he probably doesn't know anything about Mao-San-Wong, XO or even D24.

About ten minutes later, he looked at the ceiling and said, "I smell gas."

It's Cat-Mountain-King Night!

"Mao San Wong" or Cat-Mountain-King. Don't forget that name if you want to enjoy some of the best durians in the country right now. It's probably one of the most expensive right now too, going at around Rm24 per kg. Now a medium size MSW would weigh 1.2 kg (so that's Rm28) and would have about 6 to 8 seeds, but the seeds would be small, almost like a hazel nut, so there would be plenty of flesh. One MSW would leave you quite satisfied for the evening.

Last Tuesday, after my night class, I rushed to the Sri Petaling pasar malam (night market) and headed straight for Ah Heng's durian stall. He saw me coming.
What do you have tonight?
101 and 13.
No no, those are not nice. Do you have Mao San Wong?
Mao San Wong? I have one. Last one.
Last one? That means it's not good, right?
No no. This is good. If no good, won't take your money.

He opened it. I ate it standing up. It was very good.
Where would you be tomorrow evening?
Tomorrow? We'll be at the Kuchai Lama pasar malam.
Ok, I'll see you there.

The next evening, true to my word, I rushed to the Kuchai Lama night market. When I got to Ah Heng, he told me all his MSW was gone.
What! Not even one left?
No, not even one left.
How come? It's not even 6 o'clock yet.
It's like that *laughing*
Alright, how about XO? Give me an XO.
XO also sold out. Somebody came and bought the whole basket, all 40 fruits.

That evening was a disaster as far my durian trip was concerned. Out of pure pity, he opened two fruits of the 101 variety for me. They were good, but nowhere near a MSW. Before I left, Ah Heng gave me his card (even durian sellers have card nowadays) and asked me to call him next Tuesday, to book my MSW.

Today, readers, is Tuesday. Just a minute ago, I called Ah Heng and booked my MSW. Tonight is my Mao San Wong night!

The Unbeauty Contest

Imagine this:

Hundreds of women are taking part in a different kind of 'beauty contest' to be held all over China. No, it is not to select the most pretty girl to be crowned Miss China 2009. It is to select unpretty girls.

To begin with, girls of the usual beauty contest age (19 to 22 years) will be disqualified. Part time models? Air hostesses? They are most unwelcome! As for maximum age, there is none. But there is a minimum age though, and anyone not above 30 years old would be shown the exit door.

None of the girls is dressed in swimsuits or elegantly flowing evening gowns. In fact, all of them are plainly dressed in 'sam-fu' or kitchen type clothes, and no one puts on any make-up. Since some of the contestants do look quite pretty without make-up, they are forced to draw wrinkles or scars on their faces to hide their natural beauty. Most of them simply tie up their hair in a bun, and those few ones who shave themselves bald or took on crew-cuts are favourites to win.

Teeth. Any girl with good looking teeth will almost be eliminated in the first round. To counter this, most contestants either do not smile and do not even open their mouths when parading before the judges. Some paste small black pieces of papers over one or two of their teeth to give the impression that the teeth are missing.

So what is happening here? Have the girls in China gone bonkers? No, they are vying for a maid job in Malaysia, and only 'not too pretty' ones need apply.

Melody Lau, Born Yesterday, Will Marry A Foreigner

Little Melody Lau was born a little more than 24 hours ago. Tell you something: about 24 years from now, she will marry a foreigner in a foreign land.

Don't believe? It's all in the stars.

You see, her great grandfather - that's Lau Senior - had 3 children; a daughter and 2 sons. The daughter, Annie, went to a university in Canada and married an Englishman. Senior Lau's eldest son has no daughter, but the younger son has a daughter, Joanne, who went to a university in the United States and married a Frenchman. So both Lau-girls went to oversea universities and married foreigners. Next on the line is Melody Lau ...

Melody Lau has an elder brother who is 5 going on 6. This kid, Nicholas, is going to be in the teaching profession when he grows up. Again, it's in the stars.

Nicholas's great-great grandfather was a first generation migrant and started a private school in Singapore. He was the Principal. His eldest son (Nicholas's great grandpa) helped as a teacher in that school, albeit part-time. Nicholas's grandpa is the eldest son, and is a lecturer today. Nicholas's dad is his grandpa's eldest son, and is also a lecturer. As a 4th generation of eldest male-born and 5th generation of teachers/lecturers, Nicholas Lau has almost no choice but to be in the teaching profession ...

The Prince Who Turned into A Toad

First, a certain bridge in China collapsed. Then nearer home, the Jaya Supermarket collapsed. Last week later, the roof of a one-year old stadium in Trengganu collapsed. Gosh.

These days, there's an on-going debate about whether Chin Peng - former quarterback and Top Gun of the communist terrorists - should be allowed back or not. Tun Dr 'Horse' added his tuppence worth recently and said he shouldn't be allowed back. Wonder whether he (I mean Chin Peng, not Dr M) knows how to swim, cos if he does, he could go to Singapore (where he is not banned from entering) and then swim across the Straits into Johore, following the footsteps of Mas Selamat. When Selamat performed his James Bond-type escape from a Singapore lock-up, the Malaysians knew he had gone to Johor and put up huge banners with the words "Selamat Datang Ke Johor" but the Singapore police didn't get it.

The Deputy General Manager did it again; he made a thoughtless comment about domestic violence being a 'private affair' and implied that the authorities would not interfere. This was in the context of a young lass who reported that she was being given a hard time by her husband, the ugly prince who turned into a toad. Does he (I mean the Deputy General Manager, not the prince who turned into a toad) mean that if our neighbor is being beaten up by her husband (or the husband gets beaten up by the wife), we should close one eye and not do anything? Wasn't it only last month that the police rescued a boy from being abused by his mother? What happens if the husband chains up the wife in the toilet of an unused shoplot?

Alex Ferguson Called the Befrienders

The worst thing about a Big Match is definitely the panel of experts who - before the kick-off - keep talking about what the teams' strengths and weaknesses are, what their tactics are, what styles they would use, yada yada yada. That kind of talk keeps going on and on, and for this particular match, they had not one but two panels. As a result, we missed the opening ceremony with the girls dressed as gladiators, etc.

This biggie was touted as the Ronaldo vs Messi face-off, and many viewers forgot there were also Henry, Roonie, Eto'o who were all not just World Cup players but scorers.

I looked around me and noticed that most of the mamakians with me were Manchester United fans, many even wearing the MU tees. At 2-45 am, the match began.

Within 5 minutes, Ronaldo had already made his presence felt, firing a couple of shots at goal that got the mamakians around me wild with cheers. When the Barca goalkeeper fumbled and allowed the ball to roll out of his hands, and MU's Sung pounced forward but just missed putting the ball into the net, the howls around me could be heard for miles.

4 minutes later, when Ronaldo freed himself from his marker and fired a stinging shot (with his left foot) that just zipped past the goal posts with the Barca goalkeeper stretching like Spiderman (and all this while the MU goalkeeper had not even touched the ball) everyone was convinced Barca was going to get a trouncing.

At the 10th minute, however, from a seemingly innocent move on the right, Barca striker Eto'o brought the ball all the way to the penalty area and, weaving past an MU defender, struck the ball with his left foot into the MU goal, a huge roar burst out. I guess it was a combination of disappointment from the MU supporters and cheers from the smaller portion of Barca supporters. The MU supporters blinked in disbelief as the goal was replayed over and over again from different angles (score: 1-0).

Some cheered when they saw Berbatov appearing as an MU replacement for the second half. This guy was a striker, and would add punch to the Ronaldo-Rooney-Giggs attacking trio. But on the 70th minute, more MU hearts were broken (and many broken hearts were re-broken) when Lionel Messi - "from the land of Maradona" - rose like a rocket to head the ball in, giving MU's Van der Sar no chance (2-0), putting paid to the panel experts who kept pointing out before the match Messi had never scored a goal against a British club.

With defeat staring in his face, Ronaldo did what he does best at such situations: he played rough and promptly got himself a yellow card.

Just before 5 in the morning, I crawled into bed; the Barca players popped champagne, Ronaldo probably kissed his MU career goodbye, and I wouldn't be surprised if Alex Ferguson called The Befrienders.

The Silver Lining About the Flu Scare

Imagine this. You go to Genting for the weekend and to your surprise, there is no crowd. Carparks are aplenty. There is no queue for the rides, and the croupiers in the casinos are yawning (and it's not even 10 pm yet).

The following Saturday evening, you make an eleventh hour decision to watch Angels and Demons and to your surprise, there is no long snaking queue of people at the ticket counters.

After the movie, you go for a buffet dinner at Shogun Japanese restaurant, expecting to be turned away because you did not make any reservations. However, you are given a red carpet welcome like you were Tom Hanks himself because the restaurant is only half full.

You go to the next Matta Travel Fair, and instead of the usual long lines of people at the MAS and AirAsia counters zooming in on special airfare discounts, the counters are empty. The counter staff urge you to go to them so that they can give away all the souvenirs that they have brought along.

What happened? Well, we're supposed to be going through three 'scares' right now: the A(H1N1) flu scare, the Meningitis scare in Malacca, and the leptospirosis scare in Juru, Penang.

That's really not too bad, considering there are also the Somalia pirates scare on the part of ships sailing by the Gulf of Aden, the Sri Lanka Tamil Tigers scare (of whether their chief is still alive or not), and for some, the Perak Assembly scare (that is, whether it's eventually going to be 'Zam Zam ali Kazam' or 'Zar Zar ali Kazar.' But I divert.

As a result of the these scares, people are avoiding crowded places including restaurants. They are avoiding air travels (because all you need is one sneezing dude and everyone else (including the pilots and crew) gets quarantined.

In order to attract customers:

Genting gives away Rm20 bonus chips for each guest at the casino, in addition to special hotel stay discounts,
Bak kut teh stalls give away complimentary mushrooms for dine-ins,
Roast pork sellers give away half kg complimentary 'char siew' for each kg of roast pork,
Trave agents offer two pieces Lux soap in addition to traveling bags for each tour purchased,

and best of all,

Star Cruises offers buy-two-free-one discounts while Royal Caribbean Cruise (coming in November and December) offers 50% discounts PLUS another 10% for previous guests.

So My Toyota Camry, How?

Now that the Zam(bry) version Perak government has been declared void and replaced by the (ni)Zar edition, what will become of the month-old Toyota Camrys that were recently auctioned? If my bid for one of the cars were successful, would I have to return the car the way Zam has to return his official residence to Zar?

Then if the Appeals Court overturns the decision of the High Court and restore the Zam version over the Zar version, would I get back the Camry?

And of course if the Federal Court over-rules the Appeals Court and re-installs Zar over Zam, would I have to hand over the car keys again?

Tell you what: if and when the Perak State assembly is dissolved, we'll see a quick end to the so-called political career of that woman frog from Jelapang. She's finished, whichever side she may want to stand for. But I guess she'll get to keep her gold colored Benz.

Can't Wait for July

At 12 noon sharp, the check-in counters will open, and since I would have been queueing-up for the past 20 minutes, I should be able to get myself checked-in and given a boarding card by 12-20 latest (going by previous experiences). By 12-40 or so, I will be welcomed by first a human-sized Donald Duck and then by a Brazilian dancer in her skimpy outfit, both occasions in front of a professional camera-person.

By 12-45, I will enter my cabin. I will immediate stash my trolley bag to a corner before proceeding straight to the Pavilion Chinese restaurant where I will ask for a small table by one of their huge French-style windows. I will be served with a full 5-course lunch that will almost certainly include my favourite steamed fish, double boiled soup, and fresh vegetables. Although rice will also be included, I will hardly touch it but go for a second helping of the fish, the vegetables, and the soup instead. Dessert is likely to be red bean paste, after which, I will sit back and wash down the sumptuous meal with hot Chinese tea.

At 4 sharp, I will notice that the buildings outside are 'moving'. Actually, it's the ship that's moving, and my 9th cruise will begin.

Can't wait for July to come.

Just When We Thought ...

Just when we thought the new Prime Minister was trying his best to say politically correct things, his newly minted Deputy came on stage and made a thoughtless comment about a certain ethnic community being 'ungrateful', and blamed it for the party losing the last by-elections. Just when we thought he would do some damage control, he caused further damage by saying the journalists who reported what he had said should be sent back to school for not understanding what he said.

Just when we thought the Keris waving 'Din would behave himself now that he was given a new portfolio, he opened his mouth and said the nation's independence was forged by so-and-so and some more so-and-so, and 'nobody else' (emphatically), belittling the efforts put in by two other ethnic communities.

Just when we thought the crooked bridge saga was over and done with, the Old Horse ('Ma') came back and made a never-say-die comment about it should not have been scrapped. Then just when we thought Team Blue would really not take part in the next by-election, Old Horse opened his mouth and made a comment to the contrary, putting the Prime Minister in a difficult Catch 22 situation.

Just when we thought Manchester United was going to give Everton hell, Fergie decided to bench his star strikers, fielded a weak reserve-like team, and lost limply in a penalty shoot-out.

Bone Crunching Disappointing Weekend

Early Monday morning.
Met colleague John (not necessarily his real name) at the elevator on the ground floor. Like a beast of burden, he was bent over with two packs of exam scripts under his arms while holding a briefcase bulging with more scripts.
"How was your weekend, John?"
"Busy, very busy." Hmm, I could see that.
Met AB, another colleague, who joined us inside the elevator from the 1st floor.
"How was your weekend, AB?"
"Terrible. Had to prepare 3 sets of exam questions."
The elevator stopped at the 2nd floor, and Maxine stepped in. She beat me to the plastic question. "How was your weekend, W?"
"Intense," I replied, "very intense."
"Huh?"
"I played 18 games of scrabbles. Lost 10 and won 8. By nightfall, my head felt like exploding."

On Saturday, we played 8 games and the score was 4-4 when we stopped at 6 pm.
On Sunday, we (the same sparring pardner and I) met again and after the 16th game, the score was 8-8. On the 17th game, I drew both blanks on one rack and was delighted. But the other 5 tiles were all vowels. I forfeited a turn to change 3 vowels, but pulled another 3 vowels! Even if I could think of a 7-letter word with 5 vowels and 2 consonants, the board was by then too closed to find a place for it. I lost that game; score was 8-9.

The last game was my last chance to even up the score for the weekend. Again, I drew both blanks! But this time, my other tiles were as incompatible as politicians from opposing parties. I mean, how do I match two blanks with two U's, a C, a W, and an I? I formed a low scoring word with the C and the U, hoping to pull two nice tiles (like E and R) but guess what, I pulled another U and a Y. This time, I threw the U, Y and W back into the bag (forfeiting another turn) and drew three I's! Eventually, I lost that game. Score: 8-10.

Losing a game with two blanks in hand is like not being able to score a goal when you're just facing the opposing goalkeeper and he is on the ground with his leg broken in 3 places. Losing 2 games, both with you holding both blanks, is like missing a penalty with the opposing goalkeeper not even there! No wonder some people confine scrabbles to just the Thanksgiving weekends with grandkids.

What's Joan of Arc Doing in Melbourne?

You know you're in Melbourne when you open the morning papers and there are more pages on rugby news than The Star newspaper has on tri-election news. You hit the television remote and there are at least 2 channels showing rugby games 24 hours non stop. If one of these channels isn't showing rugby, it's showing cricket.

The free city circle tram is very useful. Besides being free, it goes through the major city attractions and plays a tape recording of what each attraction is about. There is also a free bus shuttle that goes a little beyond the city. Here, there was no tape recording and it was up to the driver to tell you what he wanted to tell you, which was very little as it happened to be his last round before ending his shift.

The large number of Asian restaurants provide a good variety of yummy meals including claypot and hotplate dishes, or noodle soups.

Outside the City Library just opposit the RMIT (Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology) are two statues. One is St George with his lance spearing a dragon. St George the Dragon Slayer is very British and one can understand why his statue is outside the city library. The other is Joan of Arc, the French heroine who was burnt at the stake because her captors believed she was supernatural.

I wonder why the city would place a statue of Joan of Arc outside its main library. Any help from any Melbournite readers?

(Acknowledgement: Picture taken from Google Images)